The Thing About Being A Stay-at-Home Mom
I won’t make you wait for it, here is the thing:
Life as a SAHM has no direction.
At least for me. I am left now at the bottom of this spinning whirlpool wondering exactly how I swim to safety. Life raft anyone?
I love my babies, they are truly the love of my life. Truth be told, I wouldn’t want to be doing anything else and not have the opportunity to hug them at noon. But there is something disconcerting about being home and with them all day. It is this vague sense that I am, because there is no exact direction for years on end, getting buried by that lack of trajectory. Does that make any sense at all?
Needing to do laundry is not a direction. It is a to-do. Getting to school on time is not a direction. It is an errand. Doing dishes is not a direction. It is a chore, a chore that never finds a completion. Coming up with another dinner creation is not a direction. It is actually a war to be waged against the small enemy who will yell “I don’t want that,” and proceed to not eat it regardless of the time and creativity you felt you invested in it.
I readily admit that I could use some focus on becoming a more fun Mom, patient Mom, creative Mom, love to play on the floor Mom, but that feels more like guilt than a direction. For me, this lack of direction has come to a head. I am self professing being in a bad place right now regarding this aspect of my life.
The laundry is piling up, playdates haven’t been made, for me or the kids, healthy meals have gone by the wayside, my car was a mess until I cleaned it yesterday, our house is a disaster, the T.V. has been a babysitter far more lately than I want to admit, my patience is…well…not patient, the kids and I have had breakfast at Starbuck’s a startling amount of times in the last few weeks, I feel rushed, the dogs haven’t been walked in months (we have a yard…but still), and I have no motivation to climb out of bed to create another ‘interesting’ day for my kiddos after six years of getting excited to go to story time, the park, read another book, and clean the house for the thousandth time…
Instead of insisting on change I wallowed in the tornado and got more behind, more buried, more dissatisfied, and of course ate more cookies, all the while taking it out on everyone else. But today is a new day; today is the first day of the rest of my life. It is my choice to take control of it or let it slip away through my fingers. So first things first, this Mama needs a schedule.
This Mama also need to fill the schedule with both things the kiddos enjoy, and things I am passionate about. Cleaning also needs to be scheduled, as does quality time with the kids because otherwise it goes by the wayside, and time to write and blog. Most unfortunately, laundry has to be scheduled or I get to hear my husbands code words “Are there whites in the dryer?” And please don’t get me started on the treadmill…that needs to be scheduled too. I can’t tell you how many days in the last few weeks I have donned the dorky clothes, yet I haven’t even stepped on the machine, I have stepped vaguely near it to let the dogs out to pee, but not on it…what a poser.
Alright, the schedule it is. This is just the first step, but it must be done. I will keep you posted about my journey of a thousand miles…
Happy trails to you…until we meet again!
Spill it: Be honest, which areas of motherhood haven’t been a walk in the park for you? And if you are not a Mama, how do you keep enough direction in your life so as not to get stuck in a rut?
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March 30th, 2010 at 10:32 am
ugh, tears…story of the last 10 years of my life and I’m still going through it. I now work very part time (about 15 hrs a week) and I’m taking a class at our community college (never got that degree, starting motherhood and sahmhood at 20). These things are a bit more fulfilling, but often overwhelm as much as they fulfill. Oh life.
Blogging has helped me to connect with other moms and women and to learn more about how to fulfill myself, but I get caught up on fulfilling myself to the point of neglecting my kids and getting snarky at them for not being able to entertain themselves better. Balance oh balance, come find me.
Thanks for reminding me that I hold the power and that the journey of 1,000 miles starts with the first step. Often I want to take hundreds of steps to feel accomplished, and that is too overwhelming. Small steps are good!
March 30th, 2010 at 5:05 pm
Yup! :0)
Oh, and this is why I love flylady… encouragement without the guilt, and a plan for everything. I don’t always follow “the plan”, but at least I know it’s there to “hold on to me” if I want it.
April 8th, 2010 at 8:26 am
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