The End of the Road…
No two weeks notice.
No weaning down.
I just quit.
The last couple of weeks have felt really overwhelming. Last Friday night I spent making lists of how our lives would be organized, what our schedule would look like, what the kids school schedule would be everyday, what my schedule should look like everyday, so that I could feel some semblance of control.
I was out of control. And every. single. space in the day was filled with stuff that needed to get done. No space.
And nothing has really changed since then. I am constantly struggling to keep my head above water. Treading. Getting the family through one event or challenge only to have the next one on its heels. I am an impossible organizer. I don’t have that bone in my body. Or should I say, I like to organize, but when we are in a flurry of activity I have a REAL problem keeping things organized. And so do my kids. The apple never falls…you can fill it it.
Last evening, all I could think was, “Fuck me. What the hell?” I didn’t blog that day, school took way longer than it should have, I never got to the garden, my crock pot dinner turned into spaghetti at the last minute, in which I had to go to the store to get butter and sauce, cause my master plan had evidently needed to be started THE NIGHT BEFORE. The house was a disaster, and I only had time to change one load of laundry. Earlier in the day I had done dishes, so kuddos to me, but really. Where on earth had the day gone?
In desperation I posted my feelings to Facebook, cause that is what we do when we haven’t had another adult to converse with all day, or one that understands our plight, like NOT our husbands. Not to blame, but I don’t have a clue to the stress he is under and he likewise has no clue as to mine. Regardless, my post said something to the fact that I am a failure at being the conductor of my own life. I can’t seem to get all of the instruments lined up to play on cue. Sometimes there are so many instruments I don’t even know where to begin.
When I don’t have time to read, I know I am in really big trouble. Reading makes me happy. Really, really happy. When I begin to get frustrated with my kids during school because I know there is a butt-load of shit that needs to get done and they are lollygagging, I know something is amiss. There is TOO much to do. When my kids come into the room and see me on the computer over, and over, and over, I know I am not being the example for them I want to be. A person who actually lives their life, not virtually on a keyboard. When the house is ubber chaos, and my husband is frustrated by it, I know that I am stressing about it too and that NO ONE is happy. When I can’t read 10 books to my kids a day or spend time doing a holiday craft with them, I know I am not homeschooling the way I want to be and in a way that is fun for them. When I am too busy we eat like poop, and I can’t exercise so I feel like poop, and am gaining weight WAY too much, and allowing the stress to add more. I weigh more at this moment than I ever have in my life. No explanation of why that isn’t working for me is needed I am sure.
One of my friends offered the advice on Facebook to pull back, get reorganized, look at where my priorities are and start from there. So I made a list. Yes, you know me and my lists. I made a list of my priorities this morning, things I know I need to be prioritizing in my life, things I want to be prioritizing in my life, things that I will know when I am dying that were worth spending my energy.
Guess what was NOT on the list?
I know that I will not be on my deathbed wishing I had spent less time with my precious babies and more time online.
A mother shared with me last week that when her daughter was asking her to come play with her she wondered when that would stop. As she shared I knew her realization was for me too. Soon they will stop asking me to play. Soon they will not want to hang out and snuggle on the couch reading books. One day they will leave home and I will wonder if I really valued the opportunity I had with them. As short as it is.
And don’t worry that I am not providing outlets for myself. I will still write cause I can’t help it. Once a month I will post to another site I belong to; Get Born. I will drum my heart on my djembe cause it gets me out of my head and into my soul. I will plant my garden and build my greenhouse. I will spend time with my friends, those that bring me coffee when I can’t get out to get it, the ones who bring me some dinner just cause they tried an awesome new recipe, those that continuously call me even though I never initiate cause I feel like I don’t have enough time…time, time. I will go to church and explore my spirituality, and I will take my health for serious. I will take my dogs on long slow walks cause I love them more than I could ever explain, especially to non-dog peeps, and have some time to rub a belly.
I can’t do it all. And for once that is OK.
I can’t tell you enough how much I appreciate each and every single one of you. Your kind words, and words at all, have made my day more often than you could know. You have meant the world to me. Truly. I am blessed that you stuck with me through good posts and bad ones, well thought out ones and hurried ones, the ups, the downs. I wish you all the best at your endeavors.
I will be taking the site down in a few days. I don’t need the temptation. I don’t need the one night when I have time on my hands and nothing to do to be a call back to the computer. Unless it is for a new recipe to try or a new homeschooling activity to bring into our school! Right?
And now it is time for me to get used to space. I don’t do well there…yet. I don’t do well in chaos at all. So here goes nothing. Some time, some space, and some dirt I can hear calling me from the backyard. That sounds about perfect for a day.Tweet