The Evolving Homemaker

Ugh.  Rough day.  I am writing this post at 11:30 on Wednesday night because I have to switch up my schedule somehow.  I have to get more organized.  I have to do something other than what I am doing now.

What I am doing currently is evidently not working.

A few months ago I quit blogging.  After a few weeks I was bored.

I tried for awhile to bust ass to keep the house clean…er.  Then I gave up cause, what the hell?  It NEVER stayed that way.  EVER.

I try to stay present with my kids, but there is so much always that needs to be done.  Always.  Between trying to create a successful blog, cause if one is not trying to be successful to some degree than why is one here, trying to home school creatively, trying to just. keep. up.  Presence is not happening.

I try to be a good friend and say, “Yes” while also remembering to say, “No” sometimes too.  When saying “Yes” usually wins out cause I don’t want to be an ass. And I want friends.  I love my friends.  They are awesome.

I try to exercise and honor myself enough to care what I am putting in and on my body.  But I am just tired.  There is no time to fit it in too.

And then people post to Facebook about author signings to books like, “Cinderella Ate My Daughter” and now I have to be paranoid that letting my precious babe like princesses is somehow going to ruin her making me a totally irresponsible, not crunchy enough, crunchy Mom.

I feel incredibly blessed so often.  But today it was one thing after another.  One failure after another.  I was a shitty Mom, a shitty housewife, a shitty teacher, a shitty wife, a shitty exerciser, a shitty eater, a shitty customer, just plain shitty.  I could get on top of nothing.  At this point, I usually would play this tape in my head for the next few days, making myself feel a whole lot worse.

Not this time.

This time I am going to adjust where I can.  And then I am going to let the rest go.

I cannot make everyone happy.  I cannot even make my own self happy all the time.  I will allow myself to feel bad, sleep on it, and tomorrow I will awake with a renewed sense that everyday is an opportunity.  There is no room for perfection.   I will know I love my kids more than anything else in this world, and that will have to carry them through the days when we don’t get along that great.  I will understand that I really do try my almost best.  And that never won me any gold stars in the past, and it probably isn’t now, so I can cut myself a break already.  I will remember that learning to love myself is a journey, not a moment.

And then I will enjoy my birthday present to myself this year, which I happen to be getting tomorrow.

Come back on Friday to find out what it is…and in the mean time, cut yourself a break.  You are worth it.  I am gonna. And right at this moment, I am gonna do this too, make a list for yourself of 10 things that you are fantastic at.  Then savor them.  And feel the goodness that comes from appreciating what you really are.

Cause you are amazing. There is only one you.  And you have a million gifts to share with us.

Hmmm….

How to start decoding my feelings over the last few weeks, months?  A sense of melancholy has a death grip on me right now.  I can’t seem to shake it one little bit.  No matter how hard I try to get this monkey off my back, it doesn’t seem to be going anywhere at all.

My life feels like dead weight around my shoulders so much of the time.

I don’t mean my kids, or my friends, or daily experiences, but I have a rising in my being that reminds me of the senses I felt as a child and a teen.  It is a sense that life is so much MORE than what we have created as a society.  Life should be MORE than the 9-5 slog, the shopping at Target cog, the heading to Starbucks cause I am bored or checking email, Facebook, the news reports online, etc, etc.  It is as if so many of us have given up the true experiences of life to experience it virtually through how other people are living.  Blogs, podcasts, reality TV; where is the room for me to live my own life amongst all of the living vicariously through others?

On some levels, I see that I am not alone in my feelings so often.  But I would much rather realize that over a cup of cocoa at the local coffee house in all reality.  I want to see your face, your expressions, your joy and your pain, not just read it.  I want to feel a strong sense of community, and as I have created one virtually, it still has a way of leaving me feeling very lonely and checked out of the life inside my house.

I listened to an awesome podcast just now as recommended by a friend on Facebook, how ironic, about techie devices and how they are affecting our lives.  You can listen to The Price of Putting Your Brain On Computer here, it is incredibly humbling to realize ones obsessive checking of email is no more than a reaction to slight rewards. Like mice.  Or Pavlov’s dogs, as one friend reminded.  Oh God.  So true and so humiliating.  Are we evolving as a species ahead?  Or are we actually becoming dumber and more easily trainable?  I am not sure.

I guess I feel as if I am not living the life I new was possible at my much younger and naive age, but the stirrings that it is possible have yet been resurrected as I approach another year, another birthday, another year past spent on the cog of a wheel that society dictates.  Is it possible we are completely wrong?  The there are more than a million ways to live a life?  That working so you can buy more shit doesn’t actually constitute a life at all?  Maybe the minimalists are on to something?  That taking your spending back means getting your life actually back?  That having less actually means having MORE?  More time with your kids, more time to explore ones self, the world, books?

Argh.  I am itchy.  I am not sure if I will be continuing this blog at all.  But I am not sure enough to take it down yet either.  The reality is my goals for this year include making a little bit of extra money, and this blog makes exactly zero.  I could use the time I blog to be writing an article to send to paying entities.  I could use the time to work on a book I have started that needs attention, badly. I want to create some new curriculum for the kids, like, less curriculum more un-schooling.  But that takes more time.  I never have time to get to any of the projects, knitting, sewing, cooking healthy less expensive food, etc that I started this blog to stay accountable to.  Cause, you know, my few moments are spent here.

I am not a niche.

There are a gazillion mommy type blogs and a gazillion more about simplifying ones life.   And I am not sure I want to remain so tied to this lifeless screen.

Am I crazy?  Gone of the deep end this time?  Going to need serious medication soon?

I am not sure.  What I do know, is that I am unsettled about something, everything, enough to be questioning the direction of my life currently.

“A life that is not reflected upon isn’t worth living . . . Reflection is essential for growth, development, and change.  It is the unique power of the human person.”

Henri Nouwen