A few weeks ago, a guest minister at my church told us a funny story that has stuck with me. She was going for an interview to work with a group of ministers and wedding officiants, right away she new she did not want the job, she wasn’t a person who was going to spend her days making cold calls and soliciting contacts for the whole group. She went home trying to figure out how she could tell them she didn’t want it, in a nice way of course.
Except a few days later she got an email saying along the lines of, “Thanks for applying, we found someone who would better fit the position and what we are trying to accomplish.”
And guess what her reaction was? I am paraphrasing obviously, but she was upset! Her ego wanted to be mad and react to the fact that she wasn’t wanted! After a few hours she realized she was being crazy and she didn’t want the job in the first place and it worked out for the best, but how we all, at least our ego’s, would be attached to getting news that we were the ones that weren’t wanted.
I tell this story cause it is SO. DAMN. TRUE.
Yesterday was the Run for Congo Women in Denver. As the race director for the last 4 years, I breathed, sweat, read, marketed, planned, talked about, and thought about Congo and the women of the Democratic Republic of Congo for almost every moment of those four years. This year, year number 5, as we decided to home school and live a more simple life, trying to eat better, grow our own food, become more present and mindful and peaceful, there wasn’t going to be time for everything.
I handed off my race director status to someone without children, who wants to work for the organization who oversees the event, and who is in the midst of building her carrier and passion for Congo. The perfect match. All great news right?
Except…yesterday at the run I didn’t exist. I didn’t matter. I was old news and already long forgotten. Ouch. For the rest of the day, I really sat with how I was feeling, what the emotions were, what was being brought up for me. A lot of, “Now I am just a stay at home Mom, which is a highly thankless job, which comes with no praise about what a great job I did today keeping my people alive, well fed, bathed, etc.” The run was the one day a year where people told me, “Great job.” Also this was followed by a lot of guilt about how I must be selfish not to be devoting such a large amount of time to sisters so far away whose stories are sealed in my psyche forever.
And then it hit me. The story that was shared a few weeks ago at church. I was doing the same thing. My ego was trying to make something out of my new found un-usefulness, unimportant-ness, un-visible-ness. The reality is that I can’t do the event anymore. I chose motherhood over this event at this exact moment in time. I chose to turn my gifts toward sustainability and how I can teach that to my children at the moment. I wanted to have time to write, which is really what I want to do with my creative energy. I chose to find space in my life to take care of myself and my health.
This is what I wanted.
Haahahahaha. Aren’t we SO funny?! This human condition is riddled with moments of narcissism followed by moments of shear realization and brilliance. I had to go through the exact same doubt and fear as the minister who shared her story did. I laugh and am so full of joy and excitement and giddiness as I look above my desk at the vision board I made yesterday in celebration of this new chapter in my life. It is full of pictures of horses, and homesteads, and Buddha, and yoga, and books, and travel, and doggies, and community, and friendships, and creativity, and my spiritual journey.
Today lets think about how mindful we are about what we want in our lives truly, with the depth of our beings, and be graceful about letting go of that which no longer serve a purpose for us. As difficult as that can be sometimes.Tweet