The Evolving Homemaker

I am not going to lie today…I am givin’ it to you straight…

I am completely overwhelmed at the moment.  I have SO stinkin’ much to do and not nearly enough time to do it in.  I just got done writing a list of things that needs to get done today, and a list of things that needs to get done over the next few days.

And Oh. My. God.  I thought the list would be helpful, a way to organize my thoughts as I see that it really isn’t that much to do, that if I break it up over the next few days it can all get done.  Except the list for today, is too long for the hours that are actually available within this day.

Seriously, as I write this my children just came running into my closet/office to tell me there is dog puke in one of the dogs kennels and all over the carpet.  THERE IS NO ROOM ON MY LIST FOR DOG VOMIT!

I awoke too this morning at 12:45 AM with a sudden jolt.  I am not sure why, but it was at that moment that my mind and body decided to fully comprehend that tomorrow my dear friend, an epitome of strength, would be undergoing a double mastectomy.  The gravity and the reality came rushing into my awareness in a way that I wasn’t prepared for.

I think over the last few days my brain has been completely asleep.  My husband was away for five days, riding his new motorcycle across the country by himself over 2,000 miles.  An anxiety prone Mama like myself had to detach.  Instead of becoming a nervous wreck I separated myself from it.  I took the attitude that, “Oh yeah, he is doing this thing, riding his motorcycle across the country.” I was surely nonchalant.  But it was just a safety stance.  I didn’t realize this until he got home and it felt like a weight had been lifted and I could go ahead and breathe and get on with life.

After he was safe and sound, I suppose my brain and my body were finally in a place again that they could take in the reality of what was happening closer to home.  That which I wish I could make go away.  That which blew into my awareness like a tornado and has moved at top notch speed since.  Cancer is like that.  When it swoops in, it takes no prisoners, and everyone must move and make decisions and get on with taking action.

There is no time for absorption.  Cancer doesn’t offer up time as an ally.

Today I am overwhelmed.  I tried to smudge with sage, I tried to breathe, so then I sit to write.  It is how I work  out my shit the best.  Life is a fucking roller coaster, there is just no way around that.  And in reality, even with a full, carefully crafted list of to-do’s, there is really nothing I can do except get on and ride.