The Evolving Homemaker

*Today I have a guest post over at Get Born Magazine!  Enjoy!*

A few weeks ago I got contacted by Emily Matchar for a book she is working on based on what she calls “The New Domesticity”.  You can read all of her blog posts on the subject and chime in with your views on her blog here.  At first I thought she would eat me alive, for the lifestyle I have chosen for the moment, but the more I read her blog the more genuinely interested she sounded in what is causing women to sort of reclaim lost domestic skills over the past few years.  A trend that doesn’t look like it is fading, but actually may be growing.

Why do we want to homestead, grow our own food, learn to knit, can, stay home with the kids, and even home school?

Since she first approached me, I really started to think about WHY.  Why had I chosen this life over one outside the home rocketing to the top of a career in the non-profit world?  Why had I chosen differently than my own Mom?  Why DO I want to learn to knit?  Why DO I want to grow my own food?  What has led me to these choices.

It has been fascinating to think about.  From the fact that I was a latch key kid, to not having any financial independence of my own if I ever needed it.  From how I didn’t really want to get married and have kids, to having kids and homeschooling to boot!  From being an outspoken activist, to returning home with my activism instead.

How did I get here?

Emily asked about my Mom and her feelings of my choices and whether they reflected on her.  I asked her, her response was, “Of course, and we were the generation who discovered that we actually can’t have it all.”  After all, the home was still her realm when she was in it. I often think about that too, some of my friends seem to balance it fine, I think I would be a nut case.  But then again, many of us who stay home and are reclaiming domesticity also have careers we are creating from that.  There are bloggers, published writers, crafters who make side money on Etsy, women who work part time at nights, women who are trying to create a ‘job’ that works more with their chosen lifestyles and not having their lifestyles be dictated by their jobs.

As I said to Emily, whenever we make one choice, another choice is not being made.  That is all.  I chose to stay home with my kids, so  I am not rising up the corporate ladder.  I am trying to create a job of my own as the kids grow with writing, but if I have knit something…a load of laundry hasn’t gotten done.  If I have planted seeds, the kids have played on their own for a few hours.  If I have gotten a blog post up successfully in the morning, the kids have made a mess out of my living room and the dishes from breakfast are still in the sink. I have chosen to home school, so I don’t get a plethora of ‘mommy time’.  These are just choices.  If I decide to go to work, it just means I will lose some time with my children.  We all make choices based on our own experiences, and our own values as to what we deem most important at the moment.

We all choose.  We all choose differently.

I love this new wave of domesticity.  Whether it is for environmental reasons, political statement reasons, reclaiming our finances away form a purely corporate sustained society, just for fun, hobbies to remain sane, to creating jobs that fit more into the life we want to live, I find it fascinating and will be looking forward to reading Emily’s book to see what she finds.

The reason I post this is I am curious, as I am in a circle of people that have mostly made similar choices, what are your reasoning’s? Why do you knit, can, plant a garden with some semblance of success each year, are interested in beekeeping, sustainable living, homeschooling, blogging, etc. etc. etc.?  What on your path led you to this sort of living?  Or, what on your path led you to abhor this sort of homemaking?  What on your path said, “No way I can have it all” and led you to keeping your position in the workforce while raising your children? And does your husband do equal housework while you both work?

Let’s open this dialogue cause one thing that drives me absolutely nutty in the mothering community is why one choice is better than another.  They aren’t.  Organic vs. non/Vaccinate vs. non/Homeschool vs. public/Stay at hom vs. go to work/Co-bed vs. cry it out…blah, blah, blah.  They are just different choices, and I wish we could just support each other more and think we have the answers a little less.

What are your two cents here?

And afterthought: And what is with that, “having it all” we need to drop that like a ton of bricks as mothers.  I think I have it all by staying home, others think they are having it all by doing both, I think this term needs to be put to rest.

If you liked the post you read, feel free to share by clicking below:

We had a long weekend away camping with the kids and family friends this Labor Day.  It was magnificent and everything I needed to get back on track I think.  I am one who needs these reprieves, and often, so as not to feel like daily life and demands are sucking the marrow out of my dreams and passions.

Of course I say how ready I am to jump into the thick of it today, yet it is supposed to be our first day of the homeschooling year, it is 9:05, I am still in pajamas, and the kids still need showers, the amount of sand in our hair and ears can attest to three days without bodily cleansing opportunities.  The house is a mess due to the whirlwind of planning our school year and packing last week.  The car is REALLY a mess and I am supposed to drive another child in it today.  I think there might be towels in the washer from like last Thursday, the school table is still covered in crafts the kids were doing with their grandma two weeks ago, and I still have to change an appointment.

I didn’t get up at 6:30 like my home school schedule I typed up last week suggested I would, to find quiet time to meditate and do some yoga.  I didn’t make a lovely breakfast, the kids instead are picking stuff out of the camping cooler and the cabinets and making something themselves.  I didn’t do this blog post last night at 11:40 when we got home and got the kids into bed as the plan had been…

But I feel great.  Ready to dig my feet into my life and get dirty again.  Dirty, not like I am at the moment with dust covered feet, or that my kids are with sand in places sand should never be, but dirty like deep into the quagmire of the chaos that life as a homeschooling mother is.  With the knowing that we need to do this type of weekend more often.  We don’t do it nearly enough.  In fact I can’t remember the last time we did, except for two years ago when we did this exact trip last time. Oh wait, I  just remembered one weekend away in January…eight months ago.  I for one get burned out on life as it chugs along without a bit of newness and the expanse that time in nature for days can create.

We each need the reminder that there is more to life than our to-do lists, the PTA, the activities, the chores, work, errands, and Starbucks. There is a richness that we are missing when we don’t take time to breathe it in.  Life is passing us by in the myriad of ways modern society has of distracting us.  It is up to each of us to make feeling spacious the top priority, taking time, leading our children to understanding the importance of NOT being busy, especially busy in a way that so doesn’t matter in the grand scheme.

Philosophy finished for awhile…now…showers.

If you like what you have read, feel free to share by clicking below:

Getting back into the rhythm of life has been a bit more difficult then I imagined.  I feel out of place everywhere.  I have found too that I have a hard time finding direction in my days.  I stand there not knowing what to do next, even though there is so much to do to get ready for our home school days, store from the garden, cook from the garden, harvesting and managing, organizing our chaos of a house, getting the kids to everything they need to get too, getting rid of everything that now feels so unnecessary, and dealing with the normal daily tasks of birthday parties, play dates, and the like.

It is so weird.

One of the big things I discovered on retreat, was that I actually like myself in silence better.  Those who know me personally will find that entertaining seeing as how I talk a lot.  But I talk a lot most of the time because I am nervous.  It is a mechanism my brain has found to deal with anxiety in situations that I otherwise might avoid.

Most of the time after parties, play times, gatherings, situations in which I don’t know people well, or at all, shoot, even sometimes after doing my normal errands I spend some time in great angst over whether I talked too much, shared too much, was too ‘know it all-ish’, didn’t talk enough so as to seem snobbish, said the wrong thing, offended anyone, wasn’t p.c. in one way or another, or otherwise had done anything with my mouth that may have caused people to wonder why they are friends with me.

Seriously.

I know it is a game of the ego.  I have been working hard the last few years making myself follow through with things I otherwise would have avoided like the plague.  I still get nervous sometimes and I can’t shut up.  I still say things I wish I could take back the moment they escape from my lips.  I still wish I didn’t have anxiety to begin with.

But, the gift of noble silence for most of my waking hours for five days?  In a situation which normally would cause me to joke profusely, or apologize profusely, or to talk profusely uncontrolled? I didn’t have to talk.  At all.  And when I did talk, I found that the same habits would come forth.  ‘Look at me!  I know a lot!’ or ‘Look at me!  I am funny!’ or ‘Listen to me!  Maybe you won’t notice how terribly nervous and hard it is for me to just be myself with you’.

Now, at home, in my normal routine, I find I don’t want to talk.  It is just easier.  Less exhausting. But I suppose that is the practice, not so much in the not talking, but becoming more aware of what you are saying when you are talking.  This awareness in turn inviting loving and mindful speech instead of nervous ramblings.

So I am trying.  Trying to regain my footing in my life, while weaving in the changes that a five day retreat with such a peaceful tone and wise beings would create.  I have already shown up to one place that now completely feels foreign to me, as if I no longer belong there.  I want to clean out the clutter in my home, as I do feel as if it is a reflection of how I feel in my mind, which isn’t so cluttered any more.  I need space to simplify our schedules and time to just ‘be’, time to breathe, time to allow the children to just find themselves on their own journey life will lay before them.

Change is unavoidable, it already happened.  How to re-enter after retreat?  Well, I am not sure I have that one figured out yet…or if there is even anything to figure out.

If you liked the post you read, please feel free to share by clicking below:

So you are probably hoping that I would come home from my retreat and share with you everything I learned, garnered, and experienced.

Except I can’t.

I am still digesting it myself.  I am not exactly sure what happened.  And I am also trying to adjust to life in chaos, and loudness, and responsibility again.  Going from noble silence, meditation practices, mindfulness bells, and walking meditation to screaming and fighting children, dog vomit, house visitors, and two weeks full of calendar activities is a bit overwhelming.  Especially the fighting children part.

I feel sort of immobile.  Anxious.  Like it is a bit hard to breathe even.  I would prefer to be laying in bed with my eyes closed for the next few days, just to rest.  And it isn’t possible.

So if you ask, “How was the retreat with Thich Nhat Hanh?”  All I can say is it was life changing, amazing, peaceful, hard, and yes, more than I could have imagined.  And there is not much more to say than that…

It is late on Thursday evening.  I am beat.  I can hear my bed calling to me in whispers, “Come to bed.  You will have plenty of time to get all your stuff done tomorrow before you leave.”

Do you hear it too?

Except it isn’t true.  I don’t have enough time to get it all done tomorrow morning.  The list is far to long to achieve in a few short hours.  It is full of the mundane like, ‘take a shower’ and ‘do laundry’, and the not so mundane like, ‘find a meditation pillow?’ and ‘read to the kids’.  You see, Friday afternoon I am leaving for five days.  From my house.  From my children.  And this time, it isn’t to visit family, go to a wedding, go to a funeral, or the like.

This time it is just for me.

Well, for me and everyone else too because if I come back a better woman, the benefits are far reaching.

I am leaving for five days of retreat with Thich Nhat Hanh and the monks and nuns from Plum Village including vegan food, silence, meditation, dharma talks, free time which will probably translate to nap time since I will be rising at 5:30, living with 6 female strangers and a much larger sangha too, wait…did I just say silence?  Wow.  I am not sure I will know what to do with that exactly…

I am only in a bit of a crunch because my niece was here for a week, and just left this morning.  My in-laws come in tomorrow morning to spend the week with my husband and kiddos while I am away, and a few days after I return.  There is a lot to be done in 24 hours to prepare for that and my exit to mindfulness.

But I am looking forward to it.  I am not going to lie to anyone.  I have been wanting to do this forever, and now is the time.  When at once it seemed like it was so far away, now the mindful bell is ringing, calling me to practice.  And I am terrified.  And excited.  And anxious.  And desperate.  And ready.

*I will have blog posts while I am gone, so be sure to check back!*

If you like the post you read, please feel free to share by clicking below:

I signed up for a beekeeping class.  It starts in October.  I am nervous already.

I am not sure whether I want bees in my backyard or not, with the whole garden on one side of the house, there may not be room to add them just yet.  I don’t need to be sure until spring, but when we get the homestead of my dreams, I am hopeful to have a few bee boxes on the property.

Without bees, we can’t eat food.  So while some people may think this is a crazy hobby, those of us who enjoy farming, sustainable living, the environment, and simple living, bees are actually a perfect addition to the lifestyle.  30,000 little friends working just as hard in your garden!

Two weeks ago, a friend of mine who is practicing urban beekeeping let me come over to watch her check on her hive.  It was really cool.  I was a little, ok a lot, nervous, which actually dissipated after a few minutes of watching the process.  She actually found out the bees were making their comb incorrectly and she was going to have to scrap what they had made and begin again.

Fascinating.

Here she is checking the width of the trays.  They need to be close enough together to force the bees to build the comb flat against the trays.

And in fact, she discovered that they were building the comb in fat columns instead of flat against the trays in some areas.

Taking off the top box to check on the one below.

Wow.  Look at all those bees!  She estimates 30,000 in her box.  I was only a bit nervous cause once I watched a show on beekeeping and the expert said once they sting one spot it actually leaves a smell so the other bees can all find the intruder and sting it too.

I didn’t want to get stung to say the least.

But being stung before in life, honeybees hurt a lot less than some other yellow and black striped creatures hurt!

In the pink bottle is sugar water.  It is supposed to help keep the bees calm in a more kind way than smoking them does.

Here she is lifting the trays out to see if the bottom trays have the comb building correctly or not.

This tray is being built beautifully!  Those bees are hard at work and the comb is being built flat against the tray.

This afternoon was certainly an incredible learning experience for me.  And I can tell you the honey from these bees was totally different from the honey you buy in the store.  The honey was not as dense, it was lighter and had this fabulous floral essence to it.  You could actually taste the flowers which had produced the pollen that the bees had collected.  I have never tasted something so lovely.

So while beekeeping at first thought might just seem like insanity, with the proper training, the proper clothes, and a willingness to get over your fears, you could help sustain the bee populations which we need to pollinate our food!

If you like the post you read, please feel free to share by clicking below:

Meet my dog.

She looks sweet doesn’t she.

Meet my addiction.

Books.

And the worst thing for the book addicted?  A bookstore going out of business practically right down the street.  I have gone twice now. I am hoping yesterday was my last visit, I can’t be 100% sure.  But I was happy to score these cookbooks, Deborah Madison’s Vegetarian Cooking for Everyone is one of my favorite cookbooks, so having one geared toward what is growing in my ‘farm’, in Local Flavors, will much appreciated.

The Earthbound Cook, the second of the Earthbound Farms cookbooks, I bought awhile back at our local natural grocers.  I really like it and figured the first one, Food to Live By, probably had even better recipes!  So many look delicious I cannot tell you.

And then I got a couple homeschooling books.  I have wanted The Well-Trained Mind because I love The Story of The World history and activity books for homeschooling by the same ladies.  It isn’t a cheap book, so I waited as long as I could before I thought all the other homeschooling Mama’s in the area would beat me to it.

And who doesn’t need a children’s dictionary, homeschooling or not?

And then I got ONE book for fun.  One that both the kids and I would love.  One that is full of fantastic art and a fantabulous mystery and oh so creative writing prompts, for kids and grown-ups alike.  You might recognize this book yourself, or if you are a fan of The Polar Express, this is the same amazing magician.  The title?  The Mystery Of Harris Burdick.

If you have never heard of this book, I urge you to take a look at it.  It has a mysterious introduction about an artist who went into a publishers office with 14 drawings with captions.  He never returned to the office and the publisher had these pictures forever and no information on the artist/author who left them.  The premise of the book is that your children can create the stories based on the drawings, the title, and the caption that were left in the office years ago.

Just an example, here is one of the pages with the caption “He had warned her about the book.  Now it was too late.” What could possibly happen?  Why did he warn her?  What is the story about?

See?  A book to ignite the imagination.

Are you still wondering why I introduced you to my dog?  If so, look at the picture of the cover of The Mystery of Harris Burdick again.  Yes.  Yes.  My goober of a dog chewed the corner of the book the moment we got home.  She is a lucky girl she is incredibly loving, even if not that bright.

Forgiveness is hers.  Again.

I am full of anxiety this morning.  Truth be told.  I really want to burst into tears right now.  I am on the second day of my cleanse, which makes it extra hard at the moment.  I usually deal with all kinds of uncomfortable feelings by going to Starbucks and/or having some sugar laden delicacy.

Not today. So I have to deal.

My son is getting his tonsillectomy tomorrow, and of course I am sitting here wondering if we HAVE to do it.  If he really does need it. You know, the normal second guessing stage before a child undergoes even such a ‘normal’ procedure.   Also tomorrow, my step brother is receiving his stem cell transplant which will hopefully breathe new life into his body and kick this leukemia thing out of it for good.  Please keep him and his family in your thoughts if you are so inclined.

So today instead of coming up with some grand plan of blog posts, I am going to share my vision board that I put together this past Sunday.  It sounds so cheesy, ‘vision board’, but it really has given me something to focus on, those things that I really want.  So often in the chaos of days that motherhood provides I get so focused on the mundane that I lose sight of the big picture, my goals, my hopes, my dreams.  All of which I don’t want to leave somewhere off in the distance, forever unattainable, left as only dreams,  but I want to make them happen.   This is my way to stay focused, and out of the bookstore spending money, to bring these little seed to fruit.

There you have it, my dreams in a picture.  From the Tibetan Mastiff and Old English Sheepdog, to the Arabian horse, the Cliff’s of Moher and Africa, to writing a book and practicing yoga, to building community and a strong marriage.  Today is a day I need to remember the big picture, to be reminded of how fantastic life can be, even in the midst of the bumpy road.

*I am forever being humbled by the way people show up in my world.  I finished this post and went to catch up on my favorite blogs, what I found at Becoming Super Mommy blew me away.  Check it out HERE. WOW.*

Yesterday, like many of you, we went to a plethora of BBQ’s, ate way too much food, had lots of fun conversation, lit off some fireworks and enjoyed our sparklers.  The toughest part of the day?  Deciding what to do about the big firework display.

So many of us don’t feel like fighting traffic.  We stay home instead.  Or, we try to get close to them, but not so close that we might have to sit in a car for thirty minutes after waiting to get home.  I get it.  It is a royal pain in the boot-ay.

Except, it really is totally worth it.

Finding that perfect spot, watching the look on your children’s faces, realizing yourself that as each firework dissolves and a new one appears that they are really such a metaphor for life.  How quickly it goes, how fast your memory fades of each one , how we can’t hold onto what has happened, and we can’t hold on to what is to come, that we can really only enjoy the one that is before us in the moment.

We decided this year to get as close as we could possibly get.  We rode our bikes down the local greenway, eating many of the bugs that find dusk the most interesting part of the day, getting them in eyeballs and throats.  We raced because we were afraid we were going to be late.  The whole time there I was thinking, I will get my children to these fireworks and it really isn’t about me and how much I have to get out of my lazy norm to do it, it is about them and creating magical memories.

It is so important to me in fact, that I can remember a few years ago being at my sisters for the 4th.  At 9:15 it was obvious no one was in a hurry to get to any fireworks.  I made it clear that I expected Auntie to find my child fireworks and find them fast.  We sat in the car on the side of the road in the rain listening to my little boy ooooohhhh and aaahhhhh with each explosion of light.

Yes.  That is what it is about.  The magic.

The show was spectacular last night.  The finale SO amazing and beautiful and CLOSE that I found myself tearing up at the majesty of it all.  (Remember, I am a sensitive nit) I felt as if my heart would burst with gratitude and joy.  The ride home was perfect, and quiet, and we were just listening and enjoying the random fireworks lit off by citizens.

We know where we will be as a family from this 4th of July forward.  Even if we are tired, even if it means the kids are up late, even if it means cranky morning, even if it seems as if I am not in the mood.  Eating the bugs and all, smiling the whole way home.

Many of you know, that my step brother was diagnosed with leukemia last May. He was 40 at the time, healthy as can be, an avid athlete and healthy eater. He went into remission, but the leukemia has come back. He needs a bone marrow transplant to save his life.

After searching the data base of people who have already registered to be a match, 7 million strong, he did not have a match. From the Be The Match website:

“We have a registry of millions. But we still do not have matched bone marrow donors or umbilical cord blood for all patients, especially those from racially and ethnically diverse communities.

We need more people to join the registry and expectant parents to donate umbilical cord blood. With your help, more people will receive a transplant. And more families will have a future filled with hope.”

For my brother he is hopefully now going to get a cord blood donation in July.  For others, they are still searching.  You can end that search today by going to Be The Match and having a kit sent to your house.  All you need to do is swab your cheek and send it back in.  Easy as pie.

Also, don’t forget if you are ‘expecting’ or will be anytime, you can donate your babies umbilical cord as well.  A generous decision someone made which will hopefully save my brothers life and two little beautiful gals Daddy.

Leukemia has followed me for years now.  I had a friend in my early 20′s who graduated from college, went home not feeling well, and died within a year.  I had a physical therapist in Australia a few years later, who’s life had been saved twice by a donor across the ocean in Los Angeles.  Soon after I came back from Australia, I was working at a health food store at the time and a little girl and her mother came through my line.  They were getting a cake so of course I asked if it was her birthday.  Her mother said, “No, even better.  She is going to meet her marrow donor that saved her life today.”

Next time they had a registration on campus I signed up.

I signed up with the tales that it could hurt, but I was still willing to save each of those people if I could.  According to the Be The Match site, it doesn’t necessarily mean surgery  like so many of us have heard.

“The majority of donations do not involve surgery. Today, the patient’s doctor most often requests a peripheral blood stem cell (PBSC) donation, which is non-surgical.

The second way of donating is marrow donation, which is a surgical procedure.

In each case, donors typically go home the same day they donate.”

I cannot urge you enough to become a donor.  There are fathers, mothers, sisters, brothers, daughters, and sons all waiting to hear they have been matched with a donor.  That their future is brighter.  That their dreams just might come to fruition after all.

Is it too much to ask for YOU to be that miracle?

You can do it.  Go to Be The Match today to find all the information you need and join the registry.  Please.  Pretty please.  Really.  Do it now.  Don’t wait another second, because you will get busy and forget, or remember later while you are not near your computer.  Now is as good a time as any.  If not the perfect time.

Wow.

What a disappointment.  Pixar…what happened?

I knew this movie had spies in it, blech, and some explosions, blech too.  But I decided to take the kids, against my gut, since we all loved Cars so much and it is summer.  What I can say is that my almost 7 year old boy loved it.  My 5 year old girl thought it was sad at some parts cause Lightening McQueen might die.

What I find so sad?  This movie is about spies yes, and lots of shooting of guns, and things do actually blow up.  Like cars, which Cars makes to imitate people.  I felt like the movie was a pander to hook these kids on movies they make for grown-ups.  Every grown-up action movie is practically the same.  Guns, shooting, spies, secret plans, blah blah blah.  The opening scene includes chases, explosions that kill some of the cars, and a ginormous boat that shoots rounds and missiles at the spy car.  Yes, I said missile.

I loved the original Cars for its creativity.  For its clean story.  For its smartness.

Cars 2?  Creative?  Maybe, taking an adult movie and putting kid characters in it, you decide.  Pixar usually blows me away on this front, James Bond with cars? I don’t know.  Clean story?  Not so much, lots of killing talk.  Smartness? Nah.  Smart isn’t the same ol’ story retold with different characters.  Smart is entertaining, while being interesting, a few surprises, and creating a good story that doesn’t need lots of shoot outs and blow ups to make people see it.

I can say I wouldn’t do it again.  I would take my kids to the park instead, or ride bikes, or turn the sprinklers on…pretty much anything rather than take them to the movie.  And I certainly wouldn’t recommend my friends take their kids.

Am I the only one who thinks we humans are smarter than that?  Smarter than Hollywood likes to give us credit for?

Why can’t our kids just be stinkin’ kids?  Why do we try so hard to make them mini adults?  Marketing? Money?  Sales?

Cars 3?  I hope not.  But I can say I can’t wait to take the kids to see Winnie the Pooh and Dolphin Tale.  Both made me tear up during the previews. (And yes, I know I am a sensitive nit. But I still can’t wait.)

Last weekend I got a few fleeting hours at the coffee shop.  One of the things that had been plaguing my to-do list was searching the web and brainstorming my heart out to create a list of fun things to do with the kids this summer.  We still have to do some school, but since my son will be getting a tonsillectomy at the end of the summer, I am highly motivated to make the beginning as fun as I can!

I thought I would share my list for those who may just be looking for something to do on any given random day!

THINGS TO DO WITH KIDS IN THE SUMMER (Or at least things I will be doing with my kiddos this summer!)

1- Turn the sprinklers on (Add some shaving cream for extra fun!)

2- Bike ride together

3- Each of them will make a scrapbook at the end of the summer of all the fun stuff we did! (Gives me a reason to take lots of photos too!)

4- Picnics

5- Art/Crafts (I went to the craft store and loaded up on a bag full of stuff we can pull out randomly, including REAL canvases for the kids to paint on!)

6- Photography outings (The kids taking their own pictures and making a collage out of them and/or framing for their walls)

7- Field trips (to local sites of interest and of businesses like the post office, ice cream shop, farms etc.)

8- Baking (cookie surprises at random especially cranky days, cakes for no reason, AND we are having our own ‘cupcake war’ day on Tuesdays, trying out yummy recipes cause we ALL love that show! Look for yesterdays cupcake recipe tomorrow)

9- Reading classic chapter books (starting with Wizard of Oz inspired by The Reading Promise)

10- Visits to the Pick-Ur-Own berry patch

11- Start a hiking club (once a week we have scheduled a bunch of hikes/walks for our friends to join when they can)

12- Camp (Outside in the wild AND in the backyard when we need an adventure!)

13- Build a teepee  (From Soulemama’s book Handmade Home)

14- Make our own documentary

15- Museum days with Imax thrown in

16- Zoo (duh)

17- Build a time capsule (I remember doing this in elementary school, but never remember opening them…)

18- Have our own real art show (this idea came from a friend of mine who is ready to hostess with appetizers and all!)

19- Community dinner nights (Inspired by The Family Dinner)

20- Tie-dye some clothes (cheap t’s at the craft store)

21- Water balloon party

22- Movie afternoons with friends (and popcorn)

23- Homemade ice cream (duh)

24- Ice cream social with our friends

25- Swim

26- Practice astronomy late at night by our fire pit in the backyard

27- Make up our own holiday, invite our friends to celebrate

28- Yoga (I have had enough classes to lead the kids through a salutation)

29- Decorate our dinner table for different days (inspired by The Family Dinner)

30- At home ‘spa’ day

31- Add 1 hour of reading/quiet time into our day

32- Make popsicles (we did this one yesterday with just juice, so easy!)

33- Dollar movies

34- Activities at the local library

35- Make a BUNCH of homemade play-doh and let em’ at it

36- Bowling

37- Board games, card games, etc.

38- Pajama day (we stay in p.j’s all day and eat pancakes and watch movies, great for winter too!)

39- Publish our own books

40- Playground

41- Create clay creatures

42- Make gak (you know, the stuff like play-doh except made with glue)

43- Learn to juggle

44- Giving day (we pick a group/organization/or individual to do something nice for)

45- Take the dogs to the dog park

46- Make our own chalk and chalk on the sidewalk.

47- Paint some rocks (they have kits for this at the craft store, but if you have paint already, go find some rocks!)

48- Host a tea party

49- Puzzle hour (pull out all the puzzles and let the kids try them OR get one to do as a family)

50- Make cards and send them to people

51- Work in our sketch pads/nature books

52- A day at a local lake

53- Their own activities to pursue their own interests! (swim class, tennis, t-ball)

So there you have it, 53 things to keep your summer days busy, and hopefully the kids not fighting!  I am sure we will not get to them all and will do some of these in the winter too, but we are having fun so far since I made the list, it makes it way easy when things start to go downhill to just head to the list and pick one.

Enjoy and share your summer activities for inspiration!

Sometimes it takes the most of what we have to just keep the hell up, our head above water, our spirit balanced with the demands of parenting.  Finding balance with parenting with engagement and my own passions seems to be the greatest thorn in my life at the present time.

Last weekend I found a moment of solitude to myself and wrote a blog post.  I thought I would return to the world of blogging like a gang buster. The wind behind my sails, life under control, inspiration at my fingertips.

Har, har, har.  Life has so many other things planned.

I had a bounty of things to do, loose ends to tie up, errands to run, cleaning to try and make happen, after our whirlwind of a summer start.  I am finding that 8:30 AM swim lessons are completely putting a cramp in my style too.  My blogging time is shot after that!  It is time for lunch and parks and errands and swim play and garden watering and bill paying and, and, and…

But here is the deal.  This is real life.  So many blogs I read make me feel completely inadequate at this parenting gig.  And that is annoying and certainly not true.  I do my best.  We have fun most of the time.  But stuff falls through the cracks.  I am tired of ‘not getting to it all’ and yet letting my outlet, blogging, go instead in lieu of attempting perfection.

I yearn to write.  To share my experiences.  To blow the lid of any idea of what the life of a stay at home Mom is, at least for me, and screw the expectations.  I have passions to explore and ideas for crafts, I so often can’t get to.  I have a need for creativity that playing chauffeur doesn’t often fill.  I am more of a person than laundry, swim class, tennis lessons, and the like.  And I intend to make the ‘other’ a priority too.

So see you Monday.  I have a humdinger for a Mindful Monday post.  A shocking revelation I had during a meditation this past week.  Hope you all had a fabulous week and found that who you are is good enough, even though you didn’t farm, sew a new wardrobe for your kids, craft a new plush toy for the next baby in your circle, knit a turtleneck, clean your house, get the dishes done, keep the whites…white…and not pink, and all other aspects of your to-do list that just never got done.

You are doing a great job.

It has been a short while since I have found time to be in this space.  It feels good to be home.  It is also different this time.  More mindful I hope.  Less stressful I hope.  And a whole lot more about how it can serve me and you and less about how it will serve my pocket book.

As if it has.

My computer is still pretty under-updated.  I have no Microsoft Word even uploaded yet.  Can I just say, that for a writer, that is a problem.  I made it to the coffee shop today for some much needed solitude, only to find the next American great work of non-fiction, had to be worked on in my notepad.

I was just blessed with my ability to return emails from our outlook box this week, still missing any Evolving Homemaker emails.

This summer has started off with a bang.  A too loud of a bang if you ask me.  The universe obviously doesn’t need to ask me my opinion however, as she plods along with her surprises and opportunities for growth.

We have been in and out of doctors constantly.  My son got a concussion.  Then my dog got a puncture in her leg.  Then my daughter got and ear infection.  We have had follow up appointments on my sons tonsillectomy which will now take place on August 3rd.  Plenty of time for Mama to get worked up and anxious.  We have been setting appointments with speech therapist and will finally have more information on Monday after an evaluation.

Needless to say, besides my own personal drowning, I haven’t had time to blog and decided that sometimes in life we just need a break to deal with actual…life.  Go figure.

But I have found it is a nice outlet for me.  A sense of accomplishment.  Camaraderie.   I have missed the conversations with so many around the states and overseas.  I have missed your kind words on my bad days.  I haven’t missed comparing myself to other amazing, homeschooling, crafting, successful, and book writing bloggers.  I am not super woman.  And this time of my life doesn’t allow for much time to invest in marketing, so I let my own expectations go.

BUT, I have SO much to show you in the garden!  Let’s talk urban farming next week!  See you for Mindful Monday…on…well…Monday.

Cheers!

*So obviously, something is going on with me and or my technology.  I would never have missed a Mindful Monday post, as it usually sets the tone of what I try to remember or focus on in any given week.  I love mindful day.

I don’t love my computer.

It has been REALLY slow for like two months.  My husband has tried to clean it up bit by bit.  Finally we realized that every time I tried to order anything online, or sign the kids up for anything, or sign into my bank account or credit card webpages, a page would pop up looking like it was from the company who’s page I was on asking for all my banking information.

I am not sure how dumb they think I am, these information gatherers, but luckily I ain’t that dumb.  When I could no longer type on Facebook with regularity, I have a Saturday morning commitment there, I new I was in trouble.  Not to mention the fact that every post took forever with the speed my computer was working at.

Needless to say, my computer is otherwise unavailable this week.  My husband is completely cleaning it off and reformatting it.  As you know if you have followed my blog for anytime, technology is something I won’t run out and buy if I can help it.  The women of Congo deserve me trying everything I can to NOT buy a new computer if there is any alternative.

With that said, I will not be posting this week.  Using my husbands computer is exceedingly time consuming as EVERYTHING on it is set up differently.  And uploading any information onto his is pretty useless to me, as is being an effective typer, his buttons are so different in feel and stiffness I am misspelling every other word.  I will miss you all this week, but this little process has been needed for like…ever…and I have just been avoiding it!

Come back next week for a welcome back mindful Monday post!  (At least I am being told my computer will be functioning by the end of this coming weekend!)*

Here it is, the last and final installment of the month I spent not spending in some areas and spending more instead in others.  Truthfully. A month ago I joined Little Eco Footprints in her journey to consume less for a month and I have become quite enlightened over my own lifestyle choices.

I ate out twice this week, the kids and I grabbed Subway to head to a friends house for a play date for lunch.  We were having a sort of bad day and needed a reprieve from more stress at the moment.  We did grab coffee and pastries at our infamous coffee joint down the street on the way to ‘school’ on Monday.  We were all exhausted from the Easter Egg hunt we had the day before which lasted 8 hours in all.  My kiddos were beat!  They were totally struggling to wake up and get dressed and we are always late.

For the month I bought not one single book *gasp*.  That is a success.  I spent a TON on the mini-farm we are putting together, but that will come back to us in the months to come.  I spend a ridiculous amount on organic vegetables weekly at our local grocers and farmers market in summer.  I bought groceries, paid bills, and had an Easter egg hunt/pot-luck brunch at the house.

What did I discover with this month of non-frivolous spending?  I didn’t struggle at all.  Even with those few restrictions, I didn’t feel like I was giving up all that much.  After all, I got daily entertainment out of my garden.  I still ate food, there wasn’t a lot of feelings of living ‘without’ involved.  I had to say, “No” to a few drum circles that cost a few bucks.  I had to decide if donations counted?  Or did they not?  The kids and I put together a box for Japan, and every Sunday I like to throw into the pot at church, do I stop doing those things?

I didn’t.

Mostly I discovered that I am really blessed.  I don’t have to struggle for things.  But at the same time, I don’t want life to be about ‘things’ either.  I want to purge of the things that are in our lives that take up so much time, time for my husband to work, time for me to clean, wash, organize, repeat.  I do want to be living more simply, and that is a journey that takes practice and patience, and a sense of knowing when to say when and grab that damn coffee because you are going to be late.

I learned a TON about myself and how I run away from my feelings by shopping, and oh how I never thought I was like that!  I thought I was ‘better’ than that sort of behavior!  What a joke!  I can find tons of ‘lofty’ things like books to spend my money on when I am feeling blue or bored.  I can spend lots of money at our local nursery to fill the sense of loneliness that sometimes creeps into stay at home motherhood.  I can buy lots of fair trade organic dark chocolate at the grocery store to ease some anxiety, and still call it ‘food’.

Wants vs. needs.  It challenges each of us.  I will continue this journey of mindful spending and hope to get better at it as I go.  There is no reason to stop now!  Can I ride my bike to more place with the kids in the trailer?  Can we eat less out with a little more planning on my part?  Can I cook more simply at home without a disaster of a mess in my kitchen after?  Can I live without buying so many BOOKS?

Time will tell, but it was fun.  And continues to be fun.  And keeps me mindful of how I am impacting the earth so heavily, when I thought I was such a good girl!  Try it for a day!  You might be surprised at what you find out!

Oh Beautiful for smoggy skies, insecticided grain,
For strip-mined mountain’s majesty above the asphalt plain.
America, America, man sheds his waste on thee,
And hides the pines with billboard signs, from sea to oily sea.

~George Carlin

I needed a chuckle today…and this served it up!  Happy Earth Day!  Let us so work together on changing the above reality into something much more lovely.  The earth shares with us her many gifts, and what do we do???  We go to Target.

Another week has passed.  And today is such a fabulous day to be posting about what I have or haven’t spent over the last week.  If anyone is out to benefit from a less spend stance, it is the earth.  I am so happy over the synchronicity of this post.

So here we go.  If you have missed the previous posts on this, you can see them here, here, and here to catch up!

I did not get coffee to go ONCE this whole week, and as it is the second week I am feeling pretty good about letting that seriously bad habit go.  Starbucks here I don’t come. There are still time when a quiet moment at a coffee shop sounds like heaven, but my husband and I have decided to give me some time hiking on Sunday’s instead, which fills my need for nature, is good for me, and doesn’t add cellulite to my butt.  I think this new plan is going to work out just fine.

We ate out not one single time this week. Seriously.  No quick jaunts to local restaurants to save me from cooking at the last minute, or because we were too much in a hurry.  Don’t think it didn’t cross my mind on a few occasions, but on those I instead went to our local natural grocers and got quicker meals to cook.  You know, organic chicken nuggets and some fruit.  A basket full of fresh veggies with some hummus.  I might not always have time to make a healthy, scrumptious meal for all from scratch, but I can forgive myself for such and get healthy ‘take out-ish’ food from the store instead.

The only place I have really spent money is on the yard, not even just the garden though, so I suppose that wasn’t exactly a need.  I purchased a load of pansies at our LOCAL nursery to fill in all of my front flower pots this past weekend.  We are having an Easter Egg Hunt at the house on Sunday and I wanted the front to have that-spring is here, welcome to our overcrowded abode (34 people will be here…all at once) for Easter-feel to it.  I also knew that with the vegetable garden going full swing in about two weeks, I wasn’t going to have time dilly dallying with annuals in the front yard.  I think I will be swamped with weeds instead. They are already coming up.

One spend confession.  Today I will be signing up for an annual membership to our local rec center.  This decision came after much pondering and questioning to if we would use it at all.  I have come to the conclusion that we NEED it.  Or Mama needs it.  It will include free swimming to all the indoor all year and outdoor pools in the summer.  Also it includes a handful of exercise classes and CHILDCARE for 2 hours a day.  I say CHILDCARE so loudly, because as a homeschooling family, Mama is realizing that she needs to work a little harder at filling her cup in meaningful ways, not in ways that involve Facebook.  A little time out of the house a few days a week,  with some time at the pool after for all of us sounds down right lovely.  And I think the kids will be happier too.

We seem to be lacking something at the moment, Mom a way to deal with stress and the kiddos ways to get out their energy.  Plus I didn’t want to pay for swim lessons for both of them all summer, they are much more expensive in the summertime due to the increase in lessons per week.  Hopefully, if they swim a lot over the summer, they will be able to resume lessons in the fall twice a week and not have lost what they gained so far this year. Or hey, maybe they will surpass where they are now!

I also am feeling the need to begin a journey to health.  As you know if you read my blog, a lot of people in my world have gotten cancer in the last year.  Exercise is no guarantee, I know, but motherhood seems to take us (Mom’s) and put our needs straight to the bottom of the totem pole, and my husband thinks that is him…but this week of overwhelm and stress and a broken nose that I gave to myself, is really reminding me to take a step back, move slower, and to realize I have some needs that aren’t being met.

To nobody’s fault except my own.

So yes, I will spend today in ways that might not be a survival need, but then again, it just might be.  Depends on how you look at it! Happy Earth Day!

Tweet

I am not going to lie today…I am givin’ it to you straight…

I am completely overwhelmed at the moment.  I have SO stinkin’ much to do and not nearly enough time to do it in.  I just got done writing a list of things that needs to get done today, and a list of things that needs to get done over the next few days.

And Oh. My. God.  I thought the list would be helpful, a way to organize my thoughts as I see that it really isn’t that much to do, that if I break it up over the next few days it can all get done.  Except the list for today, is too long for the hours that are actually available within this day.

Seriously, as I write this my children just came running into my closet/office to tell me there is dog puke in one of the dogs kennels and all over the carpet.  THERE IS NO ROOM ON MY LIST FOR DOG VOMIT!

I awoke too this morning at 12:45 AM with a sudden jolt.  I am not sure why, but it was at that moment that my mind and body decided to fully comprehend that tomorrow my dear friend, an epitome of strength, would be undergoing a double mastectomy.  The gravity and the reality came rushing into my awareness in a way that I wasn’t prepared for.

I think over the last few days my brain has been completely asleep.  My husband was away for five days, riding his new motorcycle across the country by himself over 2,000 miles.  An anxiety prone Mama like myself had to detach.  Instead of becoming a nervous wreck I separated myself from it.  I took the attitude that, “Oh yeah, he is doing this thing, riding his motorcycle across the country.” I was surely nonchalant.  But it was just a safety stance.  I didn’t realize this until he got home and it felt like a weight had been lifted and I could go ahead and breathe and get on with life.

After he was safe and sound, I suppose my brain and my body were finally in a place again that they could take in the reality of what was happening closer to home.  That which I wish I could make go away.  That which blew into my awareness like a tornado and has moved at top notch speed since.  Cancer is like that.  When it swoops in, it takes no prisoners, and everyone must move and make decisions and get on with taking action.

There is no time for absorption.  Cancer doesn’t offer up time as an ally.

Today I am overwhelmed.  I tried to smudge with sage, I tried to breathe, so then I sit to write.  It is how I work  out my shit the best.  Life is a fucking roller coaster, there is just no way around that.  And in reality, even with a full, carefully crafted list of to-do’s, there is really nothing I can do except get on and ride.

It has been exactly one week since I joined Little Eco Footprints and challenged myself to a no spend month on ‘wants’ but only on ‘needs’ for the entirety of April. You can read that post here.  I will take Friday’s for this month to pony up, or celebrate, my progress…or of course, my lack thereof.

So far, so ‘pretty’ good.

I had some gift giving come up, that I realized wasn’t on the list.  Gifts!  I didn’t actually think about it when I put my list together of what I would be spending on, they aren’t ‘needs’ as in life or death, but they are not ‘wants’ either.  Sorry to say so, but gifts are now on the list.  Sparingly. How would I tell a little gal who’s birthday we are going to soon, “I am so sorry.  I am doing this ‘challenge’ where I am not really supposed to spend any money, so I was unable to get you a gift.  Happy Birthday though.” Don’t think so.

And my Mom turns 70 this month…hello?

I did have ONE slip.  I got coffee today.  But there is good news with that!  I thought it was painstakingly disgusting.  After I was done I felt nothing but guilt, for what I had put into my body, as well as being a loser at this challenge.  We had a long 2 hour car ride today.  I had to pee something fierce.  I know, usually you could expect this sort of behavior from my 4 year old in the backseat, not the 38 year old in the front.  But my bladder hurt so bad I was asking the kids to stop talking to me.

And then began the torrents of, “Mom, I’m hungry.”  “Mom, I am thirsty.”  “He won’t share his water!”

We stopped at Starbucks.  And got snacks.  And used their lieu.

I ordered a Carmel Frappaccino since I wouldn’t be having them for the whole summer, and all I could taste in my mouth afterward was a chemically, not real, concocted flavor…turning over on my tongue, and over, and over.  I truly asked myself, “What the hell did I just put in my body?”  I am after all reading Crazy, Sexy, Diet right now and Miss. Carr would be completely appalled.  Her book must be making a dent, cause I was appalled myself.  In fact I am going to hunker down on the couch right now and watch Crazy, Sexy, Cancer, her documentary, to just reinforce the whole grossness in my cells for good.  There will be no turning back.

I love my ‘God pod’, as she calls it, no need to crap it up with chemical, sugar laden, crudola.  Period.

Needless to say, I now KNOW I don’t NEED to stop there EVER.  Before it was just a habit.  Now it is just bad for me.  I find this news actually comforting.

Beyond that, I have spent money only on needs and the garden!  This challenge is causing me to take pause every time I feel inclined to think we ‘need’ such and such.  I think instead, “Hold up Mama, you are in the midst of a challenge, let us rethink if we ‘need’ this or if it just your anxiety, or a distraction, or out of boredom, or insecurity.”

It is working.  What I want to see is how much money we save at the end of the month.  I bet I will be shocked.  We are all consumers in our own personal ways, but just by stopping and taking a moment to really feel in our bodies WHY we are going to buy something is hugely enlightening.

So challenge yourself!  For one day! For one week!  Or join for a month!  It is really an act of deep learning about oneself.  And while you’re at it, it is a deeply loving  gesture to our earth.

What is life?
It is the flash of a firefly in the night.
It is the breath of a buffalo in the wintertime.
It is the little shadow which runs across
the grass and loses itself in the sunset.

Crowfoot, Blackfoot warrior and orator 1830 – 1890

That is it isn’t it?  The moments that constitute a life.

I did a thing the day after my birthday last month.  And that ‘thing’ was a two hour Native American flute lesson at the church I attend.  I knew I would come home with a flute.  My husband knew I would come home with a flute.  Everyone knew I would come home with a flute.

And I did. Come home with a flute.

Here is the thing though, FOREVER I thought I sucked at music.  I told everyone I was musically challenged.  I didn’t even try to learn a guitar that has been sitting in our house since, oh like 12 years ago or so, because I was going to stink at it.  Why bother?

Because I can’t read notes.  Not at all.  I took piano for the longest time when I was a kid and I hated it.  Mostly because I couldn’t just look at the pictures of the little circles, with their happy little lines above or below, or with the lovely lines across denoting ‘Empty Garbage Before Dad Flips’ and ‘F.A.C.E’ and know what the note was.  I always had to say the little acronym to even know what to play.

I began to substitute for my glaring imperfection in music, by playing by ear.  I would memorize the song as the teacher played and then I would play.  It was torture whenever it was time to learn a new song.  Torture.

So I quit.  And told everyone from that day on that I just wasn’t good at it and didn’t even try.  Better safe, right?

In September, as you recall from this post here, I decided to finally learn how to play the djembe drum.  I started taking lessons every week, practicing, focusing.  I love it.  And guess what?

I can play it.

I started to wonder if I wasn’t actually terrible with music, that the problem was notes.  My drum class uses tablature.  Color coded pictures of what you are supposed to play.

I had heard learning the Native American flute was fairly easy.  And it is.  But guess what else they use?

Uh huh…tablature.  Pictures of where your fingers are supposed to be on the flute.

Needless to say, I don’t feel as musically challenged as I used to.  I am not the next Mozart by any means, but I am now able to play around a campfire without too much embarrassment.

Seeing how I had a new flute, that needed a bag to be carried in, I went ahead and made one.  It is from the left over double quilted fabric I sewed the djembe drum cover here from.  A matching set…somewhat cheesy, but certainly economical!

Isn’t she a beauty? It is a High Spirit 6 hole A flute, with the 6th hole covered to play as a 5 hole flute.

It is made out of cedar which smells incredible as you play, and actually tasted good on your mouth.

This is the two-sided fabric I used.  Looks quite similar to the djembe drum bag…oh wait!  It is exactly the same!

The bag was super easy to sew.  I cut it into a rectangle, then sewed around the whole outside edge leaving an inch or so at the top.  I folded the top edge over and sewed around that edge too.  I then cut a long skinny piece of the fabric, like a half inch, folded it in half and sewed it down the middle.  I tied a knot in one end and threaded it through the folded over portion.  Then I tied a knot in the other end, and wallah, you have a drawstring Native American flute bag.

SO easy.  And SO fast!  I did it after the kids were in bed, it took maybe a half hour.  And it was free.  I am evolving, getting a bit more brave with the sewing machine and a bit more creative and thrifty along the way.  It is a process.

At least now I am not as terrible at music, I am evolving there too…

Sigh.  I took one day off from blogging, and that seemed alright.  I had spent way too much time crafting and way to much time blogging and the kids were feeling the pinch.  Cranky and fighting was our daily grind.  Yesterday I decided to just get homeschooling done early, take them for a walk with friends, which ended up hella windy, and go to and afternoon romp at a local rope gym.

Sometimes, when we have the best of intentions, we think we are the badass Mom of the world that we have it all mostly going smoothly just for that one day, the house isn’t exactly clean, but it would pass the EcoLab inspector, the kids are happy, and mostly not complaining or fighting…but you just know it can’t last…as soon as that wave of confidence finds a soft spot in your ego, something rips it out of your grasp.

Usually such times come crashing down because of a temper tantrum unexpectedly.  There is some shocking outburst from your child at the grocery store and your mothering badassness is brought into perspective. Or a skinned knee and tears follow that can only be helped by homemade cookies.  Maybe you get in a fender bender at Target, to bring that latte you just got onto your lap.  Scalding you as you scold the other driver in ways your children shouldn’t be privy too.

Or maybe a dear, dear, dear friend breaks the news that she has breast cancer.

And the wind goes out of your sails abruptly.

And your heart sinks, as it so often has when the phone rings, an email comes, an instant message brings the least expected news.

Then you move on with your day, only because you don’t know what else to do.

And after the days plans are over.  You take your kids for ice cream.  Because life just took on a new momentary shock of magnitude.  And it seems only appropriate that we enjoy the moment of indulgence not caring if it is 5:30 and dinner is right around the corner.  And you hope the ice cream will numb something…even though you already are surprisingly numb, you just don’t know it until later.

And then you cook dinner, shower, eat, all the while wondering, “Why?” “How?” And you obsessively question when the world is going to get pissed enough to end this cancer crisis that is taking away our sisters, our friends, or mothers and fathers.

Your mind might go into hyper-overdrive speculating on how you can help your friend, wanting to just make it go away, wishing beyond wishing there was something magical that would take away the fear that a mother would be feeling with this news.  You get so angry, because she doesn’t deserve this.  No one who gets breast cancer deserves this.

And you might cuss in your head.   A lot.  Things you don’t want your kids to repeat, like, “Shit!” and “Fuck!”  To just have a moment to be alone and scream it at the sky, as we often want to do in such times, with fighting words, arms raised in frustration.  Only to have them fall to our sides wondering if we have even been heard.

You might suddenly get scared too.  After all, your own mortality has now been presented to you too.  No one is immune.

At some point you might sit down to write a blog post.  And you recognize, that you have nothing to say. Looking over your notes for the next few posts, you become aware that it is all so painfully…trivial.

So you don’t post.

And you go through your day wondering what you could possibly say to explain.

Knowing all the while, that nothing you can say or write or think will matter, everyone who reads this will have sat in this same spot at some point in their lives and understand.  They will remember.  They will know.

Which leads you to realize, there really is…nothing to say…

It has been a fifteen year love affair.  One my husband, and so many of my friends never truly understood.  They couldn’t see the love I felt from 16 oz of your frothy foam, with a hint of caramel sauce to awaken my senses.  Nor the yummy-ness of a chocolate chip cookie that tastes like, almost, homemade.  Or why when I am home with my children all day, it feels like a tiny reprieve to hit up your drive through, take a moment to enjoy bliss, and talk to someone else who is over six and doesn’t whine my name at every single opportunity.

There was a down side to our dance.  It didn’t nourish a local economy, although it did employ many of my friends.  It nourished my spirit, but not really my health.  It stole from my wallet at every opportune moment. Thousands upon thousands of dollars over the years. WOW.  And what did I get for it?  A muffin top.

So today I am officially breaking up with you.  For good.  There cannot be a taste here or a drink there, I know what will happen.  We will begin our relationship again.  This breakup is final.  No more ‘second tries’.  I ordered my last drink yesterday, and it was good.  But there will not be one today.

Why you say?

I am joining Little Eco Footprints on her Our {more or less} No Spend Month, for the month of April in spending only on needs and not on wants.  She has a bit better of a set up than I do at the moment.  A pantry chock full of dry goods and a membership to a CSA for the year already paid.  I am not in the same boat, so I took a few days to really decide how this could work for us in our circumstances.

Here is where we will spend money in April:

1-Gas, but as the weather warms I vow to ride a bike with a buggy attached locally. And my husband has  a long commute, but we are trying to reduce that one more day a week too.

2-The Garden. It must be done.  It will save us money in the summer and all through the winter if I get this going strongly.  It will save us even more next year.

3-Food. We buy only organic and all natural, so this is a big expense.  I am spending the month of April scouring easy, simple, cost effective recipes, and also lining up a bunch in order of what veggies will be ready to harvest at what time. Not to mention the Easter Bunny comes in April, some chocolate is a must.

4-Bills.  Duh.

5-Kids activity costs.  Right now they are in a few things that will end in May.  They will not be doing them in the summer, to many free and warm things to do!  My son is registered for t-ball, if he needs cleats before May, he will get them.

The rest will be a month of withdrawal.  No eating out.  No Starbucks.  No vacations.  Simplifying my grocery budget.  No school supplies for crafts, we will use what we have.  No fabric goodies to sew.  No Starbucks.  No thrift store wanderings.  Sigh.

Actually I am really excited about this.  I wanted to get it solidified before April 1st rolled around so that I was mentally ready for the challenge.  I think it is good to take a look at how little one can live on, especially after reading all the simplicity books I have had my nose in over the last six months or so.  How little could we actually live on?  How much money would we actually be able to save by being mindful of not spending on every whim?

Not to mention the benefits to the planet if we can curb our consumption habits.

This is with the full knowledge, that not a single thing I spent money on in the month of March made me happy.  Minus the garden, cause yes, I get more enjoyment, peace, excitement over that little plot of land than I ever could have imagined.  Which is why it is still on the spend list.

And don’t worry about my husband, he just bought himself a toy that should keep him quite busy through April too.  And May.  And June.  So he is not ‘not’ getting anything, while I get my garden.  He will be riding around on a VStrom motorcycle while I toil away in my dirt.

(Yes, I have a love/hate relationship about the motorcycle.  But I am trying to live without anxiety, he is a grown up, he can make his own choices.  I would be sad for his children if anything happens, to grow up without a Dad, and sad myself of course too.  But I would be sad for him just as much for having a passion he can’t enjoy.  What do you do?)

The spring equinox is here, well on Sunday, but I have been feeling it for weeks.

Like a friend of mine said last night at our Women’s Circle, her nervous system gets all ramped up and it is hard to stay grounded this time of year. I would say that goes the same for me. I feel as if I am living somewhere above my body, in an ethereal place and find it extremely hard to stay present, feeling my body, shaking the anxiety of the spring to-do list.

Spring is the time of air. We are welcoming the warm breezes that will be bringing with it change and growth, not only of the earth, but of ourselves. From Celebrating the Great Mother, “In spring, the silent skies of winter become alive with birds again; to many ancient cultures, birds and their element of air related to the swiftness of thoughts. A time for new beginnings, the sprouting of young things, reviving fresh breezes that sweep away the cobwebs from our minds, making lists and planning the projects we want to achieve during the growing time-and sharing these with others so they can blossom-spring teaches us about communication and new ideas.”

“At this equinox, a shift takes place from the earth energy of winter to the airiness of spring. From the cold darkness of earth and stone and the roots of trees, sap begins to rise; the breeze begins to warm and soothe us; and the skies become thickly inhabited again.”

Ah, my favorite time of year, but also a difficult time for me. As one of vata dosha, I tend on the anxious, quick moving, scattered ideas side of things as it is. All the movement in the earth, in the air, in the migration of geese going north and the return of the red winged blackbirds here, sends my senses into a whirlwind. I try to take on too much, everything feels as if it needs to get done now, I quickly loose my balance, I can’t hold a thought for more than a minute, I jump from idea to idea, project to project.

A prime example?  I broke my toe last night.  On a baby bouncer.  But I was moving too fast, with too much in my mind, and not paying attention.  So now I get a constant reminder for a few weeks to move slowly, to take it in, to breathe, to ground, to calm my speedy mind, to smell the air, and remember to just be.   I will spend another weekend in the dirt.  Feeling the mother pulling me in, leaving the realm of the air for a few hours, focusing instead on the solid magic of soil, and rebirth, and getting dirty.

Enjoy your move to spring this weekend, but don’t forget to listen to the changes it is calling forth within you.  Don’t move too quickly fueled by the warm air, that you miss the messages your own body is sending. There are lessons to be learned from bringing the outer changes of the world within, it is just a matter of us taking the time to deeply honor them.

How many heads, fingers, toes, knees, elbows, noses, can you spin plates on?  All at the same time?

If you’re a Mom, the answer is all of the above.  All of the time.  The only question then would be, how good at it are you?  All of that spinning?  Is it working for you or not so much? How does it feel to be that little green rubber doll, Gumby, so many days you have lost count now?  How does it feel constantly to be spinning?  To be pulled?  To be stretched beyond what you thought capable by humans?  How much guilt do you have constantly on replay in your mind?  Guilt because time is limited?  Guilt because it is hard to be a ‘good enough’ friend, a ‘good enough’ Mom, a ‘good enough’ wife, a ‘good enough’ writer, a ‘good enough’ gardener, a ‘good enough’ laundress, a ‘good enough’ maid, a ‘good enough’ advocate for your own needs?

I may be lacking solid sleep, and the emotions are catching up with me.  After six and one half years being woken up virtually every night, more often each night as of late due to the fact we have finished rooms so that each of our kiddos now has their own, which isn’t boding well for Mama sleep.  I am grasping trying to feel as if I am minutely good enough today.  As if I am not letting everyone down in just trying to cover the bases.

I want my friends to know I still love them, even though I am fighting hard just to get done what has to get done which doesn’t leave a lot of room for them right now.  I want my kids to know I love them, even though I take a half hour to blog and desperately need time to read a little bit of a book each and every day.  I want my husband to know I love him, even though the laundry is wow, so behind, and the kids make constant messes I can’t keep up with and I don’t know how to get them to keep up with their own either.  I want to think I love myself, except the first thing I do when I feel like this is to load up on all things sugar, as if somehow taking it out on me will make it all seem more manageable. Or am I punishing myself for my flaws?

Hoping for some grace last night, I peeked into Nothing To Do Nowhere To Go by Thich Nhat Hanh for a few fleeting moments before I couldn’t focus on the letters any longer, my eyes fighting exhaustion to take back some peace from his work.  What hangs with me today is:

“The person who has nothing to do is sovereign of herself.  She doesn’t need to put on aires or leave any trace behind.  The true person is an active participant, engaged in her environment while remaining unoppressed by it. Although all phenomena are going through the various appearances of birth, abiding, changing, and dying, the true person doesn’t become a victim of sadness, happiness, love, or hate.  She lives in awareness as an ordinary person, whether standing, walking, lying down, or sitting.  She doesn’t act a part, even the part of a great Zen master.  This is what Master Linji means by “be sovereign wherever you are and use that place as your seat of awakening.”

That my friends, are our words for the weeks end this week.  I am inspired not to act the part of the plate spinner, but to be aware and engaged without being oppressed.  Today I put on no aires, but already I feel less of a victim of my own sadness, happiness, love, and hate.  I take this place and use it as the seat of awakening.

Spill it: Spill whatever you want today.  I am sure whatever you share will be wonderful.

This morning I was laying in bed thinking about e-readers.  Not for fun and because I couldn’t think about anything else, but because I bought a book my friend is currently reading on her e-reader.

What I laid in bed thinking, was that for all those people that claim there isn’t really a difference, there IS.  There actually is a HUGE difference and this particular book shows why.

But then I get on Facebook to check on ‘happenings’ with my folks, and find that Mothering Magazine is officially closing it’s doors as a print magazine and will be closing it’s online publication in just a month.  It made my personal discovery this morning in bed all the more necessary to share.

And yes, I see the irony in that I am a blogger but like to mostly read in print.  I get it.  I am a blogger because there are less places to sell articles, as they go out of business, and to get my foot in the door.  In this day and age, it is that much harder even with a blog, you need a blog with tons of followers to be able to claim your book is worthy, or some other ‘specialness’ about you per this blog post from a literary agent, Rachelle Gardner, and I quote:

“→ Does your topic typically require credentials or degrees to be credible? If so, do you have them? If not, ask yourself what you DO have (besides personal experience) that overcomes your lack of credentials. Are you really funny? Do you have a blog that gets 5,000 hits a day? Have you won awards or major accolades in your subject area? Make sure you have something special to recommend you to a book-buying audience. If you don’t have it, go create it, or give up the idea of traditional publication.”

I have to be special to an worldwide audience that finds the likes of Paris Hilton special?  Huh.  Stumps me every time.

But I also read books.  And lots of them.  And lots of magazines that I LOVE.  I just subscribed to Urban Farm, well the hubby did for me for Valentine’s Day, and couldn’t imagine reading it online all the time.  I for one don’t like to sit at my computer for more than 45 minutes MAX.  E-mail checking, Facebook checking, blogging all in that time frame.

So here it is, the book I bought yesterday out of complete desperation to get my eating habits back in order Crazy, Sexy, Diet by Kris Carr:

So far I am all about this book.  It is a lot of what I already know, but just can’t seem to make happen in my food/health life, but she is sassy and I love it.  Also, the whole book is just beautiful.

There are stunning pictures on so many pages, and incredible print layouts that add to the funky, vibrant, meditative, sassy vibe.

I just don’t think reading a screen and looking at photos on the screen has the same overall effect.  We are going to miss something if anything and everything goes to computer only.  I am sad that such a popular magazine with myself and my friends has shut its doors.  I am not sure, as we all get giddy over our new phones that do everything, and new mini-computers that we can watch movies at during swim classes instead of watch or be bored at like in the old fashioned days, or how much more excited we get over a text message we just MUST send out rather than actually speaking to our friends and loved ones in person anymore, we won’t one day be sad.

Will we care that we have lost the ability to turn some pages, to underline those sentences that move us, to see beautiful colored photos next to the texts they pertain to begging us to live a better and more full life, to hear from the mouths of authors at book signings hilarious anecdotes or personal tragedies that make them as human as any one of us?  With no bookstores where will all the signings be?  If publishers no longer have reasons to publish actual books, what will our libraries look like?  What will I read my kids in bed? A computer?  That just doesn’t have the same snuggly, heartwarming ring to it.  “Here kids!  Snuggle around!  I am going to read The Lorax today on my laptop to you!  I hope you are excited and really get the gist of the story as I hit buttons to turn the pages for you!”

I guess it will work for so many people I know, it just isn’t going to work for me.  I will be that lady in town everyone will point and laugh at as I go into the last remaining used book store that exists and stock up on everything I can find.  I will do my part to keep them open, can we all try to as well?  For me?  For all the other book junkies out there who just can’t imagine having an e-reader signed by my dearest and most favorite muses of inspiration?

Pretty please?

Not to mention the meditative practice it is to go to an actual bookstore, on a Sunday afternoon, while the kids are home with Daddy, a latte in hand, to peruse the isles, pick up things that look interesting to you even if a friend hasn’t actually recommended it, or it hasn’t shown up on some ‘list’.  It can be a great act of faith to judge a book by its actual cover, by a photo that moves you, or a subtitle that speaks to something you have experienced.  It can get you out of your typical genre when you see a book laying out on display that you had never even heard of, pick it up and feel the weight of that authors efforts in your hand.

Ok, I will jump of my high in the sky soapbox for today, but my heart wants to explain what books mean to me to everyone who may not feel the same way. But P.S.  I would need documentation for someone to argue it is better for the environment.  Where do you think all the minerals come from that go into all these said gadgets?  Ask the women in Congo if all those techie gadgets we are using has made it better for them.

Spill it: Ok, let’s have it out.  What are your thoughts on all the techie gadgets that exist to read a book? Are you all for them? (And I will still love you, maybe) Or are you all against them?  Or somewhere in the middle? Do you think there will be effects we have yet to think about?

I had to take yesterday off.

Mostly to be mindful of everything I was feeling.  And to paint my son’s new room.  Which was a perfect meditation.

So much has happened in the last few days.  I have let go of something that was HUGE in my life.  But I am finding the twists and turns in my journey are asking me to twist and turn too.  To respond to them instead of fight them.  To step with them in the new directions they are offering, instead of stubbornly pulling the other way.

I am learning to say what I need and live it.

It is a process, but this past week in particular I found the nuances of my daily activities began to point out to me what I knew in my heart yet wanted to avoid.  The amazing thing too is how this week so many people had an influence in me stepping into my more authentic self, and yet they had no idea.  It was an email here, a sentence there, a bird.

Yes, a bird too.  One in particular.  They have things to say when we are quiet enough to listen.

So in beginning to live toward my heart and less from my brain, it feels as if my life has opened up in amazing, graceful ways.  And I can actually WAIT to see where it is all leading.  I feel just as joyous today as yesterday.  Just as hopeful now, as I will tomorrow.  I know that it won’t be how I feel always, PMS means something in this house, but it is as it is and I am not sure when the last time I felt this much peace was.

Maybe never.

Stay tuned! This week will be filled with homeschool learning games that have been great, a super cool African craft we did, and some yummy warm winter food!

Spill it: How do you know when you are going the right direction in your life?  Do you figure things out with your brain i.e. positive and negative charts, or are you more a stop and listen to your deeper self kind of person?  What helps you lead a life more authentic to YOU?

I have decided to do something a little crazy today.  I am giving a little gift away.  The idea is to copy this post link to your bookmarks, so that every single time you feel like the biggest slacker, or completely unorganized, or like you must be the worst Mom, most inept home manager, seriously procrastinating goober, like you are stuck in the middle of the tornado that motherhood and running a home is, whether you work or not, you can show yourself this page and remember that YOU ARE NOT ALONE.

This was in my living room yesterday:

Notice how only half the tree is actually decorated.  That is because the tree finally died or dried out like two weeks ago and all of the ornaments had slowly fallen off.  That, and my kids were playing ‘fishing’ in the middle of it last week, throwing their fishing lines of string with rocks tied to one end into the tree to see what they could catch.  They only broke one ornament, but many were relegated to the floor during that exercise as well.

I pulled the plug on the lights sometime in the middle of the night two weeks ago.  For some reason, they were coming on from like 11 PM to 6 AM.  Assuming the children moved the timer, we hadn’t actually gotten any enjoyment from the tree in a week or so before that.  Unless you count fishing in a Christmas tree as enjoyable.

This is what it looks like today:

This Mom is doing the clasped hands shaking above the shoulders, including roars from the crowd in her head, for this achievement.   The thing still looks surprisingly good, but I can promise the needles are a tad on the dry side.  I think it was January 2nd the last time I watered it.

So there you have it people.  You are not as lame as you think you are.  And whenever you think that you are, you can come back here and see for a fact that there is a lamer person on the planet than you.  Take pride in that.  It is my gift to you, because on January 27, 2011 there is still a Christmas tree standing in the corner of my living room.

And as a bonus, our lights are outside still on the house too.  We finally unplugged them from the timer last week too.  So now you can only see them during the day, hence avoiding the bright neon nighttime display of slackdom.

Now don’t you feel better?

Spill it: What gifts would you like to share with others who may be struggling at this moment with distinct feelings of incompetence?  Do you have any gems to share with someone who may need a boost today?

It is funny this morning, I thought I didn’t really have much to say today, maybe I would skip a post.  I checked on some of my favorite blogs and Farmama had a post about time.   She gets a lot of things I am completely jealous of done.  A few days ago she was spinning her own yarn from her own sheep.

I am still trying to finish a sewing pattern I started last Thursday.  Of course I discovered after I cut it out, that I needed a button foot on my sewing machine, which I don’t have, at least I don’t think I have…no laughing people.  I claim to be EVOLVING.

I have been noticing how I spend my time lately, and while reading the soon to be disclosed book this past weekend, I came across a passage that referred to the pile of books that might be on ones nightstand.  Still waiting to be read.  The anxiety that might cause.

Hello?  Do these people have a camera on my nightstand?

To alleviate the pressure to read everything, and everything that I checked out of the library recently too, I went through my stack yesterday and returned everything to the library I didn’t need to read right now.  I kept a few books on homeschooling I still need to peruse, one on needle felting even though I am not sure I will get to it by the due date, the one I am reading now, and one a friend suggested I read based on my son and his schooling. A couple other random ones stayed in the mix, but everything else went back.

All the kids books we weren’t using, all the books I would never find time to read without feeling a time crunch, all the ones I just wouldn’t get to, the ones I would peruse instead of actually read.  I felt lighter and less anxious right away.  It was freeing to make that choice.

Ok I would be lying if I didn’t also say I did BUY three books yesterday after I dropped the said ones off at the library.  I bought three Thich Nhat Hanh books.  I like to underline important books to me and go back, can’t do that with library books.  I really wanted to begin my mindful journey long before the retreat in August.  I really also felt the need, personal necessity, to begin living more peacefully and mindfully. To do that, I need serious constant reminders.

These are the only three books I have purchased since my decision not to buy any in a year that were not on a gift card.  It was a mindful purchase that I really thought through and just didn’t go buy on a whim.  For me, these are readings I would like to have and refer to over and over.  And will probably NEED to refer to them over and over, I have a thick skull.

So there.  Time can be made in so many places.  It is up to us to decide how and where we spend it!

Spill it: What do you spend a lot of time doing that you could skip to get to other things you have only dreamed about getting to?  Do you ever consciously choose to stop doing one thing so you can do something else instead?

Thich Nhat Hanh comes to Colorado every year.  Both for a week long retreat, and a public discussion.  I always have an excuse why I can’t do either.  I used to have a fundraiser event I organized soon after his visit, so the timing was bad.  But mostly I never thought I could spend the money on it.

I have wanted to go for years, and if I really looked at it, I might have found that I was afraid and sort of didn’t want to go.  I am uber shy and not a daily practicing meditator, yet.  Another thing I seem to find excuses not to do.  I also probably thought I alone wasn’t worth spending the money on.  I would feel guilty about taking time from home, as the 90% care giver for two small children.  I instead would allow the week to go by with a tiny pang of missed opportunity, thinking to myself that if my life was different I would do it.

Until now.

My life is as it is.  And I SO am worth it.  A fact I might have let slide for a very long time previously. It seems as if one of the gifts as we age is understanding how worth it we are, and starting to grab opportunities instead of letting our insecurities get the best of us.  I am officially registered for a 6 day retreat with Thich Nhat Hanh and the monks and nuns of Plum Village.

Wow.  Blessed I am .  In so many ways.  Most of all I feel grateful to be on a path that means listening to what is important in my heart, and following that instead of the voice in my head, which can talk my heart out of so much.

Spill it: When is the last time you took an opportunity and did something so large for yourself?  Are you like me and feel undeserving oftentimes?  Or are you confident in your worth enough to seize many of the life experiences presented to you?

…in the last few weeks.

My life has become a lot more enjoyable just by taking moments to decide what I actually want IN my life.

Before and during my hiatus I had read a ton of books on simplicity.  Circle of Simplicity, The Joy of Less, and Choosing Simplicity.  Practically back to back.  And while I initially had a huge urge to make it all happen at once, I have slowly come to the realization that nothing good happens overnight, ever.

This lifestyle of simplicity, hopefully leading to a life more enjoyable, was going to take a lot of work.  And it was alright to let it take it’s time.  Funny how at the beginning of each year I think if I clean and organize my house, happiness is sure to follow.

Last year I cleaned cause I didn’t know what else to do, my family was sick for easily a month straight.  The kids?  It was like December through mid-February.  I cleaned.  And then life got messy again and I wasn’t any happier, I had somehow fooled myself into thinking that a clean house would make everything alright that wasn’t.  God how we can fool ourselves.

This year, I cleaned the kitchen.

And life happened.

My son needed new methods of schooling.  I was researching and creating fun alternatives.  My efforts at happiness this year seem to have stopped at the kitchen.  Which if you entered at this precise moment, you never would have known it was spotless two weeks ago.  Lasagna completely from scratch, including sauce, is a messy ordeal.

Something is happening after all that reading though.  I am trying lots of new things, AND simplifying as much as I can my TIME.  My kids and I are settling into our Spring schedule, I am making more food from scratch, bread, getting MORE done with school, enjoying our much quieter and slower pace.  A miracle?  We are getting to things ON TIME.  Which seemed impossible to me a month ago.

So while my house isn’t a minimalists heaven YET, I am making strides everyday to simplify.  I haven’t ADDED anything unnecessary to the house or our schedule.  I haven’t bought 100 new books, and have steered away from Starbucks MORE often, I still ain’t perfect by the hubby’s standards yet, but get between me and my coffee and war is imminent.  Last time I was at Target was right after Christmas to get batteries, mixing bowls, and a new cutting board. (I used to make any excuse to go there just so I could sneak a coffee)  I feel calmer.  More peaceful.  More thoughtful about what I want my life to look like, realizing it can’t all happen today, but also realizing I can step toward it today, in a million little ways.

So go out there and get yourself some simplicity reading!  I promise it doesn’t mean you have to give up whatever addiction it is you have, shoes, clothes, books, coffee…yet.  But you may start to really evaluate what you want your life to look like, and realize it isn’t much what your life actually looks like today.

Spill it: What are your thoughts on simplicity?  Do you assume, like I did, that it means you should live in a studio with a chair and a table?  Or are you way ahead  of the curve and realize it means different things to different people?  Is there anything you would change about your life today if all you had to do was wave a wand?

As I mentioned yesterday, I have been reading a TON about kids and learning recently.  Funny thing, whenever I want to know about something, I go find all the information I can about it and teach myself. Why do we assume with kids it would be any different?

I am not an advocate of unschooling.  I feel the need for a bit of structure in my home and the knowledge that my kids are learning that which will propel them forward should they decide to go into science or engineering, they need a foundation.  I am just becoming WAY more open to HOW they get that knowledge.

This little example is FASCINATING to me.  My son, who is 6 1/2 has been watching Out of the Wild:  The Alaska Experiment on Netflix for the last week.  He has been obsessed with Alaska ever since some random documentary my husband was watching years ago about a guy who built a house in the Alaska wilderness.  He was like two, the movie was like ancient, but Alaska has never been far from his mind since.

He finished the season of episodes yesterday, and here is what showed up in my living room:

The box around the fire, is for keeping the wind away from the fire he would start if he was not in our living room, but in the woods somewhere.

Ingenious.  My 6 1/2 year old then proceeds to take the whole thing apart, to explain to me, a 37 year old who has no friggin’ idea how to start a fire from scratch outside.  And guess what?

Now I do.

First you pile small sticks on the bottom, then a few more rows of small sticks, space in between each, and rows going opposite the row below.  Then, you start to make the tepee angles on your fire.  Then you can light it from the inside obviously, and you will hopefully have a fire, if the wood is dry enough, the kindling dry etc.

They learn.  Our kids will spend hours learning what seems fascinating to them and take off with it! I did not encourage this at all.  He said, we (he and his sister) were going camping and he needed to go get wood.  He went out to the back yard, cut what I assume was my old sunflowers, came in, trimmed them all, made a fire ring with rocks and pine cones, set up the box to block wind and proceeded to find their sleeping bags and lay them out.

I am not worried.  They learn.

Spill it: What have your kids done that shocked the hell out of you?  Were you surprised by their ingenuity lately?  Amazed that they were listening during the last IMAX film you shared with them cause they spouted some random information to you later?  When have they blown you away with their imagination?

Hmmm….

How to start decoding my feelings over the last few weeks, months?  A sense of melancholy has a death grip on me right now.  I can’t seem to shake it one little bit.  No matter how hard I try to get this monkey off my back, it doesn’t seem to be going anywhere at all.

My life feels like dead weight around my shoulders so much of the time.

I don’t mean my kids, or my friends, or daily experiences, but I have a rising in my being that reminds me of the senses I felt as a child and a teen.  It is a sense that life is so much MORE than what we have created as a society.  Life should be MORE than the 9-5 slog, the shopping at Target cog, the heading to Starbucks cause I am bored or checking email, Facebook, the news reports online, etc, etc.  It is as if so many of us have given up the true experiences of life to experience it virtually through how other people are living.  Blogs, podcasts, reality TV; where is the room for me to live my own life amongst all of the living vicariously through others?

On some levels, I see that I am not alone in my feelings so often.  But I would much rather realize that over a cup of cocoa at the local coffee house in all reality.  I want to see your face, your expressions, your joy and your pain, not just read it.  I want to feel a strong sense of community, and as I have created one virtually, it still has a way of leaving me feeling very lonely and checked out of the life inside my house.

I listened to an awesome podcast just now as recommended by a friend on Facebook, how ironic, about techie devices and how they are affecting our lives.  You can listen to The Price of Putting Your Brain On Computer here, it is incredibly humbling to realize ones obsessive checking of email is no more than a reaction to slight rewards. Like mice.  Or Pavlov’s dogs, as one friend reminded.  Oh God.  So true and so humiliating.  Are we evolving as a species ahead?  Or are we actually becoming dumber and more easily trainable?  I am not sure.

I guess I feel as if I am not living the life I new was possible at my much younger and naive age, but the stirrings that it is possible have yet been resurrected as I approach another year, another birthday, another year past spent on the cog of a wheel that society dictates.  Is it possible we are completely wrong?  The there are more than a million ways to live a life?  That working so you can buy more shit doesn’t actually constitute a life at all?  Maybe the minimalists are on to something?  That taking your spending back means getting your life actually back?  That having less actually means having MORE?  More time with your kids, more time to explore ones self, the world, books?

Argh.  I am itchy.  I am not sure if I will be continuing this blog at all.  But I am not sure enough to take it down yet either.  The reality is my goals for this year include making a little bit of extra money, and this blog makes exactly zero.  I could use the time I blog to be writing an article to send to paying entities.  I could use the time to work on a book I have started that needs attention, badly. I want to create some new curriculum for the kids, like, less curriculum more un-schooling.  But that takes more time.  I never have time to get to any of the projects, knitting, sewing, cooking healthy less expensive food, etc that I started this blog to stay accountable to.  Cause, you know, my few moments are spent here.

I am not a niche.

There are a gazillion mommy type blogs and a gazillion more about simplifying ones life.   And I am not sure I want to remain so tied to this lifeless screen.

Am I crazy?  Gone of the deep end this time?  Going to need serious medication soon?

I am not sure.  What I do know, is that I am unsettled about something, everything, enough to be questioning the direction of my life currently.

“A life that is not reflected upon isn’t worth living . . . Reflection is essential for growth, development, and change.  It is the unique power of the human person.”

Henri Nouwen

What is good enough anyway? Who gets to decide?

This has obviously been a busy week for me (the absence of blog posts being the first clue), the Outcry for Congo campaign is taking a bit of my time, as are all the normal things that are expected of a mother to complete, and be, and do. But last night it began to get the best of me.

I was on the treadmill, slogging my way through yet another injury, but swearing I wouldn’t let myself give up over it yet again.  As you begin to pack on miles to your out of shape self, your mind can tend to wander just to get away from what your body is feeling.

I realized I was profusely beating myself up for not being everything my husband wishes I was.  I was also running the tape recorder over how I can’t seem to eat healthy enough to fuel my treadmill escapades.  I was feeling guilty over not practicing my drum the whole week, with class in less than 45 minutes.  Oh, and guilty still about not getting to the little pant ‘repair’ my friend had asked of me, who would be at said drum class.  I still haven’t ordered Christmas presents and shipped the ones that need to travel.  I was definitely feeling the pain of letting myself down for my entire life of NOT following an exercise routine.  I questioned repeatedly why I couldn’t be better at so many things.  Why I couldn’t organize my time better.  Why I couldn’t get to everything in a day.  Why does it feel so much like I am constantly NOT living up to everyone’s expectations…including my own?

Then I was reminded of a moment in line at the Starbucks drive-thru on Monday morning.  There I was, hating myself for being there cause I know the frustration it causes the hubby.  He had just bought himself an espresso machine for Christmas for goodness sake, and it was sitting on our counter.  (Of course, if I am in the drive-thru of Starbucks it usually means I am completely out of time and making an espresso at home was out of the question) I was wishing I could be more organized to get up earlier, get the kids ready on time, BE on time anywhere, have healthy prepared muffins in the tiny ass freezer we have so that at a moments notice we would always have delicious healthy breakfasts that the kids would devour and praise me for the delicious creation, even on the ONE day a week we have to get up early and out of the house and to ‘school’.

Except here I was, buying non-organic coffee and hormone laden milk, which causes me worries.  I was buying food that was not a nutritious start for my kiddos.  I was feeling guilty for my husband.  I was feeling guilty for the environment that such mass produced concoctions deplete in cups alone.  I just wanted to be doing better all around, I wanted to be perfect, so the nagging feeling of complete incompetence would just go away.

Then I laughed.

Loud.

A good belly chuckle.  It just came out, with the drive-thru window wide open I said, “Oh Mama” and in a moment realized all the things that I get right.  In all the ways I try to do the best that I can.  The many days in which my best is toatally good enough.  And for that moment, the realization that I do the best that I can given my circumstances on most days regardless of the beating I try to give myself was a ray of hope.

Hope that one day I will give myself the credit I deserve, instead of giving a hill a beans about what the world around me is thinking.

I am good enough today. And so are you.

Spill it: How often do you find yourself feeling like you are NOT good enough?  Good enough wife?  Good enough employee?  Good enough Mom?  Good enough Dad?  How do you get out of the rut those feelings create?

My knee hurts.

My mind is in Washington, DC this week.

My kids need to be schooled still today.

I need to post my photos for today to the Facebook page Outcry for Congo.

I need to meet a friend who is going to help that painful knee go away.

I need to read a book due at the library in three days, I am on page like 60.

I need to clean the house.

I need to declutter the house.

I need to order Christmas presents I swore would be done the day after Thanksgiving.

I should be making some $$ for our house.

I want to be playing with the kids. Coloring. Reading books.

I need to get a blog post up.

I feel like Gumby really.  Like every item here has an arm, a leg, a head, my body, and is pulling, pulling, pulling.  I can’t do anything exactly well, because everything is pleading for my attention at once.  This is the one crazy downfall of the way my brain works.  I HATE unfinished items on the to-do list.

Reality?  There are always unfinished items on the to-do list.

I am never going to finish the list.  There will be more tomorrow:

Post pictures to Outcry for Congo-day 3.

Educate the children.

Prepare for Christmas and relatives.

Figure out what the hell the hubby will be getting in his stocking this year.

Clean again.

Start a new round of laundry.

Read.

Excercise.

Plan next years garden.

Start on that greenhouse.

Oh yeah, sew that project that has been sitting on your sewing table for like a month now.

And while your at it, sew up your friends pant holes who asked if you wouldn’t mind.

Practice djembe, cause you stunk last week.

Begin planning Run for Congo Women.

Don’t forget the book you are working on, get to that too.

Play. Be Present.  Relish the little people.

Oy. I always have loved the color green. I just don’t like the guilt that goes with it.

I will get to every item in it’s own time.  I just have to remember that some are more pressing than others.  Some more serious.  Some can wait indefinitely.  Deep breath.  Feel my feet.  Come back into my body and out of my brain. Don’t panic.

I feel much better, thanks for listening.

Spill it: Who else is overwhelmed right now with so very seemingly non-crisis things?  Is it just the holidays? Or is it just me?

I bought four books last night.

Count em’.

Four.

Two of them were cookbooks.

Which I never buy cause they are so darn expensive.  But I had a coupon for buy one get on 50% off.

I have really been into food lately.

The quality of food.  The politics of food.  Clean eating.  Trying to make healthier food again. Eating close to the earth.  Eating for my health and the health of my family and the health of the planet.

You get the picture.

The only problem is, is that I have probably 100 books in the house I haven’t read. Before you get to riled up, most of them come from the annual $1 sale at our local library.  I just can’t seem to help myself but to go every year…

The ones on my nightstand however are usually full price, gifts, or bought with a Border’s coupon.

I go through these phases of interests!  When a new interest pops up, like food, I get all giddy to find out all the information I can about it.  I am an insatiable information gatherer.  To a fault if you asked my ex-shrink!  (She was referring to all the worldly issues I used to fill my mind and spirit with)

So for the first time in a long time, I feel an immense amount of guilt at my purchase at the bookstore last night. Even if I really do need a few quality food cookbooks, if I am going to begin to make quality food for my family.  The guilt is there and I just can’t shake it.

I am making a commitment today to myself.  I am making a commitment to the simple life I want.  I am making a commitment to minimalist living and the fun of scavenger hunts for the books I want to read.

I am not buying even one book for one year.

If I have learned anything in that time, I won’t run out to the bookstore the day before next Thanksgiving and load up on all the quality reading options that have come out in the last year that the library didn’t have.  I will have learned to get creative, or opened library accounts in neighboring towns at least!  I will have learned that the same information can probably be found in other books.  I will hopefully have discovered, that whatever void it is I fill with buying books, can be filled with other things…not ice cream either. I will accept that just because a fabulous author is coming for a booksigning, doesn’t mean I can’t go LISTEN without BUYING.

Even if that means my all-time favorite author, Terry Tempest Williams, comes out with a new book.  If she does, hopefully she will release it just before my birthday in March and I can ask for it! After all, every book she has written, I have a signed copy of.  Or my husband can surprise me with it on some random day because he loves me…hahahahahahahahahhahaha…oh that is funny.

Even if we know each others love languages, it doesn’t mean we remember to act on it.

So that is it.  For on year, I will not buy a book for myself.  It will have to come in the form of a gift or the library or the old fashion borrowing from a friend tactic.

I have anxiety about this.  Seriously.  I can barely breathe. But I also think it will become a fun challenge for me!

And I do want to be living simpler…and there is no time like the present to start, especially considering tomorrow we will be counting our blessings for all we DO have!

Spill it: OK, time for you to share your addiction!  Do you buy clothes you don’t need?  Do you buy craft things you won’t get too? Do you buy books?  Things for your kids? What addiction do you have that you just can’t stop yourself from heading toward?

Except, not this year.

Every year, I make the intention that I am going to be creative for Christmas and everyone I know will receive some lovely, handmade, crafted, cooked, off the beaten path wonder.  Yet, every single year I put the actual ‘making’ of said items off until the last moment, and then race around doing the store dash along with everyone else.

To make matters worse, I spend countless hours deciding on what to get for my kids.  I search high and low for things I think they will like, some plastic crudola, some from the Montessori catalog, and some that come highly ‘recommended’.  And guess what?  The kids spend all year letting dust gather on those things I was sure they would spend days playing with, while they pull blankets out of our closet and boxes out of the recycle bin and play with THOSE.

It can all drive a Momma friggin’ crazy.

So due to the circumstance surrounding my year, here is the post on such, and the reality of children, my expectations, their expectations, time available etc, I have decided to make my life a lot easier this year.

I AM MAKING NOTHING.

Hear that everyone!?

I AM NOT STRESSING MYSELF OUT WITH GREEN AND RESPONSIBLE ONLY PURCHASES!

They don’t always exist.

I HAVE RELEASED MYSELF FROM KID-KID EXCHANGES!

And planned a quality time gathering instead.

INSTEAD OF TOYS, OR SMART GAMES, OR THINGS I THINK WILL MAKE THEM SMARTER, THE KIDS ARE GETTING THINGS THEY NEED FOR THEIR NEW ROOMS!

I won’t hate myself for buying stuff they will never use…a desk, they will.  A chair, they will sit their butt in too…

SANTA WILL BRING THINGS MADE IN CHINA!

Lego’s and pink will abound.

I AM DOING SIMPLE GIFTS OF PHOTOS FOR ALL THOSE TEENS ON MY LIST AND FAMILY MEMBERS!

No electronic gadgets or gift cards.

I AM GOING TO BE DONE WITH ALL OF IT BY THIS WEEKEND!

I don’t want it to drag throughout the entire season.

INSTEAD OF ALL THE STRESS OF PAST HOLIDAYS, I AM GOING TO SPEND THE SEASON WITH MY BABIES.

And I am going to enjoy all the small moments with them.  I am going to watch the magic of the holiday reflected to me in their faces, the wonder of it all in their eyes. We are going to have lots of hot chocolate and candy canes.  We are going to go to parades and lighting ceremonies and The Nutcracker all dressed to the nines.  We are going to read Christmas stories and snuggle under blankets.  We are going to do crafts I always want to do, but never have the time or energy to add to the holiday.

I am going to cry at the beauty of it all, cause I always do.

I am going to remember time with them isn’t infinite.

I am going to remember I am blessed.

This year, I am going to give my kids the gift of their Mom.

Spill it: Do you find present purchasing frustrating?  After so much time planning the gifts for your kids, do they actually play with the stuff?  Do you ever wish you could get moments back once the holidays are over? How much do you love watching holiday joy in the eyes of your babes?

The last few months I have been feeling a bit…discombobulated.   And at the same time really focused.  Trying to live by what I value. In the Spring of this year, I can clearly remember thinking that my life had been fairly void of catastrophe.  My friends were all still married, no one was sick, I hadn’t lost any contemporaries due to illness or accident.

At the time, I also realized I was getting older, and it was only a matter of time before these sorts of things started to pop up right?  By the time my Mom was this age, she had lost friends to cancer; aids.  Divorce happened.

It was a passing stream of consciousness, that I had mostly forgotten about until now.

First my Mom had a pacemaker put in, my stepfather had some serious back issues that are still bothering him, my stepbrother was diagnosed with Leukemia and is fighting the fight with grace and strength beyond my capabilities.  My Dad had some health questions, which he doesn’t like to share with us, so we still are not sure how he is doing.  My dear friends girlfriend since childhood was diagnosed with breast cancer, and is surprising all doctors with her incredible response to treatment.  My sisters hair dresser’s best friend since she was six was diagnosed with Lymphoma, with two small children and the same age as me.  Then a dear friend of mine’s son was diagnosed with cancer and has begun treatment and the fight for his life.  Two weeks ago an acquaintance of mine and fellow blogger, The Crunchy Domestic Goddess, lost her sister of 31 in a car accident.  And then yesterday, another blogger I follow Sew Liberated, and find incredibly inspiring from her thoughts on Montessori, and her amazing sewing ability, wrote about their discovery that her son she is carrying right now, has a severe heart defect that will need multiple surgeries, soon after birth, to keep him alive.

What the hell is going on?

I read Sew Liberated’s blog in sheer shock yesterday, emotional at the fragility of it all.  In fact the tears are starting to flow now again.  It is as if my breath is just slowly getting sucked out of my lungs.  The breath that keeps me going in faith that all will be well.  I find anxiety creeping back in to my chest, restricting my chi, because I again feel the need to try to control the safety of those I love and be meticulous.

I am afraid.

I am frustrated with the pain that so many are dealing with.

I feel a sense of urgency to live aggressively again, at a time I had begun to take a step back and try to find peace, tranquility, presence.

I am confused as to what the point of it all really is.  Like, WHY ARE WE HERE?  I DON’T GET IT!

I am sad.

I am urgently trying to remain present with my kids and not take them for granted, even though I am highly distractable and terrible at remaining in the moment.

Most of all I just want it to be alright.  For everyone.  For the Mom who is watching her brave son going through treatments and learning how to parent through such a shock.  For the Dad who has to constantly wonder if he will be around to see his daughters get married and create a life of their own.  For the sister, who won’t have her partner in crime to call when times get tough.  For the Mom who is having to adjust her expectations of what life with her new son would be like, and go on with the strength only a Mother has.  For the Mother of two small children who has cancer reaching it’s ugly tentacles throughout her chest.  For the woman fighting breast cancer.  For my Mom, who’s heart just needs a little help sometimes…

Can’t we just hit the rewind button and start over?  What are we to learn from all this?  Why can’t things just be O.K.? Is it too much to ask?

I don’t have any conclusions.  All I can say is that I am in this weird void.  I don’t know how to live from here.

And I am trying not to cry again.

Spill it: What have you learned from difficult experiences in your life?  What philosophy do you live your life with?  Do you look for peace?  Adventure?  Travel? Career?  Being a Mom? How will you know when you have lived your life well?

Yes, it is that time of year again.

Oh my God.

Deep breath in, it only has to be as complicated as I make it to be.

I wanted to pass this link on this week though.  Everyone is beginning to get their ducks lined up in a row, or mistletoe hung in the right places, or chestnuts roasting on their open fires…you get the picture.  And that means the holiday cheer will begin to be spread through the mailbox.

Before you race out to Target to get your stash, check out the Holiday Card Project fundraiser for Children’s Hospital Center for Cancer and Blood Disorders.  These cards are simply adorable, and all made by children receiving treatment at the center.

“Each year, patients from Children’s Center for Cancer and Blood Disorders craft holiday designs that are transformed into holiday cards and sold between October and January. Proceeds from the sale of greeting cards help to fund a range of services and research at the Center for Cancer and Blood Disorders.”

Yes, they are a tad more expensive than the pack of cards you can pick up with your groceries, but, it is a fundraiser and a fundraiser for a fabulous cause.  I happen to personally know a super-hero going through treatment there, and I can tell you, that they do a fantabulous job at Children’s of making the kids comfortable and feeling safe.  They also take what they do tremendously seriously.

So, if you haven’t gotten your cards yet, get them today!  And help support children who are fighting for their lives this holiday season!

Spill it: Do you try to help others with your purchases around Christmas time?  What are ideas you have in regards to the environment, social justice, and fair trade for the holidays?

Tweet